Will Governor Quinn’s New Legislation Eliminate Bullying?

By Lisa Catania, LCSW

Printed in The Villager, August 2014

 Children experience bullying every day.  Consider this scenario:  Some child steps into the power role of name-calling, gossiping, physical threat or aggression, or getting peers’ attention by doing something-rude-and-daring-under-the-teacher’s-nose…  Another child gets targeted because someone has perceived him/her a target that can be dominated or diminished – a good subject for the age-old game of bullying.  Other children watch and observe the dynamics, studying how to avoid the game or perhaps how to join in and benefit from the illusion of power/importance.  Guaranteed, this “game” (that happened when you and I were children) is being played out anew in the neighborhood school, the backyard, and definitely in cyber-space.

Though bullying is commonly thought of as a “rite of passage” of “kids being kids” and a way of “toughening up”, it is actually a form of social violence that has real and often permanent consequences.  Children who are bullied have increased risk for depression, anxiety, health concerns, and a decrease in academic achievement.  Children who bully are more likely to have ongoing problems with abuse of others, abuse drugs and alcohol, drop out of school, and have criminal convictions.  Witnesses or bystanders of bullying can struggle with depression and anxiety, school attendance and be at increased risk for drug and alcohol abuse.  Bottom line, kids who are left alone with these dynamics struggle with feeling safe with others, and internalize distress.

Unfortunately, bullying is still under-recognized and poorly addressed at a societal level.  A teacher in a suburban school district tells me that she has seen bullying in every school she has taught in; and that she has yet to see a comprehensive dedicated approach to deal with bullying in any school system.  She sees that teachers often do not have significant training, administrative support, nor the time to deal with complex social and interpersonal issues that originate outside classroom environment but somehow become another responsibility in their already overloaded set of expectations.  I believe that our neighborhood schools, though often well intentioned, face the same constraints and often drop the ball in addressing bullying in the school community.

On June 26^th, 2014, Governor Quinn signed legislation to strengthen anti-bullying laws in Illinois. Effective immediately, the current legislation requires public, charter and “non-public and non-sectarian” schools to implement anti-bullying policy that: provides a definition of bullying; outlines procedures of reporting (including means to report bullying anonymously), investigating, and responding to bullying; includes parent notification; outlines interventions; describes means of posting and distributing the school’s policy; and reports data on bullying to the ISBE. This legislation was the result of a task force’s findings that Illinois previous anti-bullying law lacked adequate definition, policy and reporting directives.  Illinois still lacks a model policy program, and leaves policy development to individual schools/school districts.

Might this law be the solution to transform educational settings and make them bully-proof?  Unfortunately, I don’t think this law, in concert with previous laws, will make a tremendous difference.  It seems to lack funding and a model program, and leaves schools subject to the commitment and resources in already stressed systems.  The truth is that bullying exists because we, as a society, permit it and perpetuate it.  It takes a community to change bullying.  It takes students and parents who, in the face of bullying situations, are willing to speak up and insist on change.  It takes bystanders who will become “up-standers” – individuals who will offer to help and will commit to action, and who will refuse to give up.  It will take teachers who continue to go above and beyond to commit themselves to truly understanding bullying dynamics and to find daily social emotional learning opportunities to guide their students.  It takes administrators who are visionaries and leaders that will commit to a comprehensive anti-bullying program such as Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, and who will oversee daily efforts for years to create a healthier, safer social and emotional school environments.  It takes children and adults who are committed to become more tolerant, respectful and compassionate towards themselves and others. Change is possible if we hold ourselves and each other compassionately responsible.

For more information on the dynamic and effects of bullying, links to state law and effective anti-bullying programs, and local resources of support from Bully Free Beverly – please visit us at: http://beverlytherapists.com/bully.htm and via our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/BullyFreeBeverly.  More details will be posted when available.  We will provide a workshop on Bullying for interested parents and educators in September.

 

  For additional help, please feel free to call one of the therapists on the Bully Free Beverly team: Lisa Catania, LCSW 773-719-1751, Jennifer Lara, LCPC 773-251-8016, or Michelle Wood, LCSW 773-307-8365.

Let’s Spread Kindness in Beverly

By Lisa Catania, LCSW
Printed in The Villager, February 2014

Have you ever observed the power of an unexpected act of kindness?  The power you feel in yourself when you put a kind thought quickly into action and surprise someone with help or a small gift?  Or, the happiness you feel when you take the time to care for someone in a thoughtful way?  And the delight you feel when someone treats you kindly with no expectation of return?  It’s like magic, and creates a special feel-good feeling that feels like warmth, safety, love, luck.

I remember the time my car hit a monster pothole, busting my tire and forcing me to pull over in an unfamiliar neighborhood.  A kind gentleman appeared from his house, and dealt with the freezing cold weather to help me – in return he expected and wanted nothing.  The gift he gave me was more than a securely attached spare tire, he reminded me that people are kind and that I am not alone and unseen in a moment when I felt vulnerable.

There have been other times I have felt vulnerable and have wondered if the world is a safe place, especially when the Sandy Hook tragedy happened last winter.  I found solace in the invitation by a NBC News Correspondent, Ann Curry, to commit “26 acts of kindness” to honor the loss of the all the children and teachers.  What a wonderful proposition to help people feel power in doing something positive and develop a sense of communal healing.  I donated money for orphans in India to be provided with formula – it truly helped me to be a part of “something good”.

The best way to fight hatred, pain, fear and hurt is to act to create a world that reinforces the opposite:  kindness in action.  Kindness also creates community when we see ourselves in other people and offer help when it’s needed or acts of kindness when they are least expected.

Last February I discovered “Random Acts of Kindness week”.  I purchased a bunch of Dunkin Donuts gift cards and gave them to each of Clissold’s crossing guards and thanked them for showing up like postal carriers – through rain and shine and snow and below zero temperatures.  Smiles abounded!

For Random Acts of Kindness week this year (February 10-16^th), Beverly Therapists and Bully Free Beverly invite you to join us in spreading random acts of kindness in our neighborhood.  Surprise someone by paying for their cup of coffee, or dusting the snow off their car, or giving someone in a bus shelter a prepaid fare card, or writing an anonymous note of encouragement, or simply giving a stranger a rose and wishing them a good day…. You can visit www.randomactsofkindness.org for inspirational stories and wonderful inspiration.

To hopefully overwhelm our community with kindness we are printing up “random acts of kindness cards” and will ask local businesses to make them available on their countertops.  We are hoping you can commit some kind acts and give one of these cards to continue the cycle of kindness!  Please let us know what you have given or received: post on our Facebook page: www.facebook.com/beverly.therapy; tweet us @bev_therapists; #kindnessinbeverly; or leave me a voicemail at 773-719-1751 and I’ll spread the word for you!   We are hoping that the cards and acts of kindness will continue to show up in random places for months to come as all the good hearts in our neighborhood will continue to circulate acts of kindness for each other.

Letter to Teachers about "I am an Upstander" activity

by Lisa Catania, LCSW

Here is a letter we have sent to area schools with the hope that schools/classrooms will participate in our Bully Free Beverly - Bully Prevention Month activity:  "I AM AN UPSTANDER".  Please direct your child's classroom teacher to our website, blog and facebook for resources to participate in this project.

"September 25, 2013

Dear School Administrators, Teachers and Staff,

We are writing you today to ask you to join us in a community wide initiative to boost social and personal awareness about bullying and to promote a positive culture of kindness, compassion, and action in its’ place.  We know you are already working in this capacity, and hope that we can support each other.

 

October is National Bullying Prevention Month, and the beginning of a new school year.  We felt this is a perfect time to create some community momentum to be proactive about bullying issues. 
 
Most bullying happens in environments that are outside of adult supervision, and most commonly, in cyberspace arenas of Twitter, Facebook, texting, and other new-upcoming-cyber-environments-that –we-adults-know-nothing-about.  We want to address bullying at these roots where the “bystanders” can be empowered to stop, help, tell, and support immediately when incidents are happening.  In the last few years a new term has emerged to label the bystanders who can help and rescue: “UPSTANDERS”.  According to Laura Hampton from EdNews Parent: “An upstander is a person who goes against the tide and will protect a victim from injustice.  The word is contrasted with bystander, which describes a person who does nothing to help when someone is being mistreated.  In the case of bullying this doesn’t necessarily mean a child needs to “take on the bully” in order to be an upstander.  There are other ways students can stand up for their peers who are being bullied, such as telling a teacher or parent or reaching out in friendship to the victim.”

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a common term and vision to address bullying issues between schools and in the broader community?

Our vision is for conversations about bullying - and a positive, empowered way – to happen simultaneously in classrooms and homes throughout our community.  Here’s how:  We have enclosed a simple activity to be completed at the classroom level:  create a picture under the title:  “I AM AN UPSTANDER”.  The picture can be the child’s or teen’s idea about how s/he can or has stood up in the face of wrong-doing (particularly in power-imbalanced, aggressive interactions which are the core interaction of bullying).  S/he could add at the bottom, “BULLY FREE ZONE”. 

Around this activity, you can have conversations about:

·         the dynamics of bullying;
·         what it means to be an “upstander”;
·         why can upstanding be daring?;
·         what kind of rules can your classroom have to prevent bullying?;
·         how might you notice and award upstanding behavior? (great activity – make a post-it tree and when there is a reported act of kindness, compassion, or bravery - note that with a post it comment on your tree)

To support you in this activity, we have enclosed resources in this packet/email.  (see next post for these resources)  We have included some good primers on bullying and upstanding, and web-based resources for classroom aids.  Please access our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/BullyFreeBeverly or our webpage at www.BeverlyTherapists.com for more information and easy access to quality resources.

After you complete this activity, please hang the children’s posters around the school.  Please send the pictures home with the child with the enclosed note from us attached to it; ask your students to discuss the project with their family, hang the poster in their home or in a window, and to connect to our Facebook page for ongoing ideas and support.  We hope parents and children will choose to submit their child’s artwork to us.  Our vision is to create posters to hang around the community – in store windows, at the local library, at local parks.  We also would love to post children’s images daily on our Facebook page.

 We hope to have an ongoing relationship with you.  Please let us know how we can support you. Feel free to contact any of us for more information.  Please let us know about any successes or other projects you are doing to battle bullying or promote upstanding.  We will keep you informed of any other community incentives we have developed.

Thank you for your consideration, and hopefully your participation!

With gratitude and peace,

The Bully Free Beverly Team @ Beverly Therapists

Lisa Catania, LCSW            Jennifer Lara, LCPC                  Michelle Wood, LCSW

773-719-1751                      773-251-8016                           773-307-8365"

 

Resources/links to educate about bullying and UPSTANDING

Resources for Classroom activity: "I AM AN UPSTANDER"
Please visit our Bully Free Beverly Facebook page (we have only been posting since 9/2013 – please scroll through our history for videos, articles, links to valuable informative and positive resources):
https://www.facebook.com/BullyFreeBeverly

UPSTANDING “Bully Bust”

• Educators Link:  http://www.schoolclimate.org/bullybust/resources/educators
• Video Resources:    http://www.schoolclimate.org/bullybust/upstander/video-resources
• Upstanders in Action Toolkit:  http://www.schoolclimate.org/bullybust/assets/documents/upstanderKit_moderators.pdf

UPSTANDING From “The Bully Project”  http://www.thebullyproject.com/ 

• 10 ways to be an upstander: http://d3n8a8pro7vhmx.cloudfront.net/themes/51e1be8f9670a42080000002/attachments/original/1377636679/10WaystoBeanUpstander_copy.pdf?1377636679
• Empowered ByStanders: https://d3n8a8pro7vhmx.cloudfront.net/themes/51172dcc1ad07a63d6000002/attachments/original/1361485067/EmpoweringBystanders_copy.pdf?1361485067

UPSTANDING & ACTIVITY AID

• Excellent example of upstanding in action: NBC’s Dateline excerpt: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEjVsMtf1d0

BULLYING BASICS

• Dan Olweus is a foremost authority on Bullying Prevention: http://www.violencepreventionworks.org/public/bullying.page

• APA Bullying Module for Teachers:  http://www.apa.org/education/k12/bullying.aspx
• StopBulling.gov:  http://www.stopbullying.gov/what-you-can-do/educators/index.html

 
ACTIVITY AIDS

• New York Times, The Learning Network, On Bullying – Resources and Questions for Writing or Discussion (high school level?):  http://learning.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/04/05/on-bullying-resources-and-questions-for-writing-or-discussion/?_r=0
•  “In the Mix: Bullying Take a Stand” PBS series; clip: Cyberbullying tips on what to do: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHBmsLBa_QE
• PBS Kids, It’s My Life, Bullies:  http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/friends/bullies/
• Videos on bullying, gossiping, anger management: http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/video/index.html
• PACERS National Bullying Prevention Center, videos:http://www.pacer.org/bullying/video/
• YouTube – Anti-Bullying mix (view first- varying messages):
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3KsGTIeO7A&list=RD02D3KsGTIeO7A
• Younger kids site, including wepisodes: http://www.stopbullying.gov/kids/index.html

Bully Free Beverly Initiative: ‘I Am an Upstander’

By Lisa Catania, LCSW

What has been your experience with bullying?  Do you have memories of it from the past?  Do you see it someplace in your life today?

Many people think of bullying as physical threats, harassment and even physical provoking and beating.  Bullying is also about gossiping, excluding others, judgment and social punishment. Betrayal of trust, such as someone sharing communications or texts without approval, especially in a mocking or vindictive way is another form of bullying.

There are many ways an individual can feel hurt in social situations.  The experience of inflicting pain by lauding power in insensitive and hurtful ways is at the core of bullying.  Put simply, bullying is the physical, social and/or emotional way someone exerts power over another individual, usually causing pain and fear.

The classic bullying dynamic includes the target or victim (usually an individual who has been isolated), the perpetrators (an individual or group), and the bystanders (individuals who are aware of wrongdoing but who are scared to or don’t know how to intervene). 

Recently, a new term has been coined by bully prevention advocates:  “the upstander.” 

“An upstander is a person who goes against the tide and will protect a victim from injustice,” said Taura Hampton from EdNews Parent. “The word is contrasted with bystander, which describes a person who does nothing to help when someone is being mistreated.  In the case of bullying this doesn’t necessarily mean a child needs to ‘take on the bully’ in order to be an upstander.  There are other ways students can stand up for their peers who are being bullied, such as telling a teacher or parent, or reaching out in friendship to the victim.”

Emphasis on the “upstander” has the potential to significantly disrupt bullying dynamics.  The vast majority of children or individuals who are bystanders actually have sympathy for the victim and will report knowing that the bullying is wrong, however they often don’t act out of fear of retribution.  When individuals become empowered to “stand up” they shift the culture that allows injustices.  Upstanders challenge the culture of fear and dominance.  When upstanding becomes the societal norm (or when many people are willing to confront bullying behavior and support the victim),

bullying will lose its tragic vise-grip.  

A team of therapists from Beverly Therapists has renewed The Blossom Boys’ initiative, “Bully Free Beverly.” The intention is to educate the community about bullying dynamics and to provide a support network for anyone affected by bullying.  October is National Bullying Prevention Month, and Beverly Therapists invites community children and teens to submit artwork to promote “upstanding.” Upstanding includes themes like “kindness is cool,” “cultivating compassion” and “20 seconds of courage.” 

Artwork will be used to create posters and banners to hang in the community to spread the idea of “upstanding.” “I AM AN UPSTANDER” will frame the top of posters, and “BULLY FREE ZONE” will frame the bottom. Please submit your images and words on white paper, and please leave some blank space on the top and bottom.  We are eager to see the originality, inspirational wisdom, and gentle strength that is out there in our community!

 Artwork should be submitted by Oct. 31 to Lisa Catania, Beverly Therapists, 10725 South Western, 2nd Floor or sent as a .pdf, .ai, .psd or .jpeg to Beverly-therapists@comcast.net .  For more information on upstanding and artwork submissions, and to be part of the “Bully Free Beverly” community, visit us at the “Bully Free Beverly” facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/BullyFreeBeverly.

Contact anyone one of us if you have questions,

BULLY FREE BEVERLY TEAM
Lisa Catania, LCSW  773.719.1751
Jennifer Lara, LCPC  773.251.8016
Michelle Wood, LCSW  773.307.8365

Understanding and Soothing the Anxious Self

By Lisa Catania, LCSW

 

Anxiety is one of the primary reasons individuals come to counseling. Everyone deals with anxiety in some capacity.  For some it is an infrequent experience, and for others it is a lifelong companion.  For most, it tends to be an uncomfortable feeling suggesting risk in near and potentially unmanageable.  For this reason, anxiety can turn into real panic and can render a person feeling powerless.

 

Believe it or not, anxiety in its’ basic form serves a positive function, as do all emotions.  Anxiety is your sympathetic nervous system sounding an alarm that danger is present.  This creates a “flight or fight” response.  When this alarm system gets triggered, your brain creates “circuitry” to tag situational related events to give you an early warning system the next time a similar threat is present.  This is where problematic anxiety can set its’ roots – if you experience an adrenaline charged alarm while engaging in an ordinary event (like driving your car in snow), you can misperceive the benign experience as a dire threat to your safety and well-being (alas, developing a fear of driving in winter).  When you respond to these false alarms by reacting as if it is real (by flight: avoiding; or by fight: over-reacting), you can deepen your fear response and a reoccurring anxiety reaction can result.

 

Compassion and self-compassion are of primary importance as distress dominates, and sometimes shame can develop as self-criticism and a misconception of weakness can occur.  Here are some beginning ideas to help begin to “soften” the anxiety experience.

 

First, look for the beginning signs of stress or anxiety; for example: a worried thought, a quickened heart beat, or butterflies in the stomach.  Label it as what it is: the anxiety response. Begin right away with “turning down the alarm system” by practicing relaxation and calming.  Take deep belly breaths.  Use positive, reassuring, calming self-talk, such as “relax…. I can handle this”. This first step is important: when you calm yourself and self-soothe, you are activating your parasympathetic nervous system which is a “rescue” system that restores a calm physical state. In other words, you remind yourself that you can handle the experience of the moment, as well as the actual situation.

 

Anxiety-ridden moments can be ferocious, especially when they have been reinforced by avoidance or over-reaction. To be able to thwart these moments, you need to build up the “muscles” of your relaxation response.  Practicing deep breathing and relaxed feelings daily, especially when you are not triggered, will help you build and access this helpful “circuitry” when you need it most. It is also helpful to recognize and change any thoughts or beliefs related to your anxiety reaction, especially thoughts that reduce your sense of safety or control.  Instead of believing “I can’t drive in the snow”, reframe the thought: “I am scared, but can breathe into my real strengths. I can handle this”. Practice thoughts that include patience, self-compassion, forgiveness, and self-empowerment, such as “I can acknowledge my anxiety, and have compassion for my fear.  I am more than one feeling/experience.  I have real strengths I can bring to the situation.  I can ask for help, understanding, and support. I am safe.”

 

Also, develop routines of self-care to increase general health and well-being.  Exercise and healthy eating help to release pent-up energy and frustrations, and physically build up inner strength, hardiness, and self-worth.  Practices of meditation, mindfulness, and prayer help settle the mind and connect to a higher source or the bigger picture.

     

 Once you feel calmer, you can more readily access the problem-solving frontal lobe area of the brain.  At this point, you can address situations in their real form and develop a strategy plan.  Problems are more solvable or navigable if you can calm your anxiety, take things a-step-at-a-time, implement strategy plans and practice self care and self-compassion. 

Coping with the holidays

by Lisa Catania, LCSW

 

As we all prepare for what the holiday season means for us, it is important to remember that one size doesn’t fit all.  We are barraged by constant ads showing excitement, festivities, and gift-giving.  Whether we realize it or not, advertising is trying to ramp us up to feel something that will motivate us to try to create the advertiser’s pictures in our own lives.

 For some, this is motivating and inspirational.  For others, they are warmed by happy memories and look forward to the current holidays as a chance to feel that same “warm blanket of happy traditions”.  For others, there is a sadness and disconnect as their life doesn’t look like the images portrayed.  Recent or past losses can come to the surface, and cause real pain.   And still for others, the expectations stack high and stress mounts as the holiday season becomes about “more” and endless lists and the need to be everything to everyone.

The holidays are a time of increased stress, no matter if they are filled with happy anticipation or with concern.  At particular risk for stress are individuals who are: coping with the loss of a loved one, experiencing family problems that create divisions/separation, far away from home, and caregivers.  If you find yourself in one of these groups, take extra care to be kind, patient and caring with yourself.  Engage in stress reducing exercises such as physical exercise, talking to someone, and/or meditative activities such as mediation, yoga, or prayer.  Find sources or affirmation and support, starting with loving self-statements for yourself.

Here is a holiday “coping guide” for all of us, with the hope that you can honor “wherever you are” and make this holiday season meaningful to you:

Use your feelings as a barometer to measure pressure inside and around you.  Acknowledge how you feel, and make adjustments.

Love yourself as much as you love others.

Talk to someone who is trust-worthy.  Be real, especially if you are hurting.

Release the belief that there is such a thing as “perfect”.

Look for things to “feel right” and authentic for you.  Look for things to be “good enough”.

Remember the importance of what this season means to you.  Honor that in your actions.

Love and connection are some of the most powerful gifts we are capable of giving.

Balance taking care of yourself with taking care of others.

Realize you are enough.

Know your boundaries and limits.  Practice saying no.  Practice saying yes. 

Ask for help when you need it.

Remember to breathe.  Breathe deeply into your core and say to yourself, “Relax”.  Breathe out slowly and say to yourself, “Let Go”.

Hold onto whatever feeds your soul.

Practice gratitude.

Practice faith.

Practice tolerance and acceptance of those who feel and think differently than you.

Enjoy moments. 

And laugh as often as you can.

Make this list your own, adding on whatever inspires or grounds you!

 Last, but not least, remember to reach out to someone who seems vulnerable this holiday season.  It’s the best medicine for the soul.  As the Dalai Lama says, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” 

Wishing you peace,  Lisa

You are worthy of love and belonging. As is.

Deepok Chopra says that every feeling has a physical molecular presentation in our body, throughout our body.  Feelings of depression, anger, anxiety can mount into illness that effect the body, mind and spirit.

Conversely, feelings such as tranquility create the equivalent of valium, and exhileration creates the equivalent of powerful anti-cancer molecules in abundance. 

We have the powerful ability to effect our health through our feelings.  Try the above quote as an affirmation.  Allow yourself to feel the feelings of love, acceptance, well-being.  Imagine a beautiful white light radiating around you, and inside you.  Practice this as often as possible.

Below are some links to Brene Brown's inspirational TED talks on understanding and healing shame.  Spoiler alert - vulnerability and acceptance of yourself are key to the experience!

I think everyone should see these:

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

Brene Brown: Listening to Shame

Peace,  Lisa Catania, LCSW

About insurance companies benefits

Someone recently emailed and asked about how to understand insurance benefits, and what to expect to pay.  This is a very common question, so I thought I'd post my response:

Each insurance policy is different.  Usually you will get better benefits if you see someone in-network, however some out-of-network benefits are quite good especially if you have met your deductible.  Some insurance companies manage mental health benefits, and may require your therapist to provide clinical information after they have seen you. You can call your insurance company and ask them to tell you about your outpatient mental health benefits. 

 

Your insurance company should provide this information for both your in-network and out-of-network benefits:

deductible (and what amount has been met, year to date),

 

copayment or coinsurance amount per session,

 

limit in number of sessions per year (if you work for a company that has more than 50 employees you should have unlimited sessions per the Mental Health Parity Act), and

 

whether they cover the modality (individual, family, couple {frequently not covered}, or group) of therapy you are seeking.

 

Once you have this information, you can talk with a therapist and they should be able to help you anticipate what your session fee would be.

 

Hope this helps - feel free to ask other questions in the comments section, or call me if you have more questions.

 

Peace, Lisa Catania, LCSW
773-719-1751

Negative Self Talk

By Lisa Catania, LCSW

When you stop to listen to the chatter in your mind, do you find negative voices talking to you about yourself or others?  (Don’t worry, it is completely normal!)  Where do those voices come from?  Is there a way to change them?

Most of the time, unwanted internal dialogs are remnant of previous socialization or experience.  At some point, someone probably said negative things to you, modeled limiting behavior, or you picked up critical messages mistakenly believing they belonged to you.

 It may have been a well meaning parent told you that children don’t talk back to their elders (what may have been internalized: conflict or speaking up is bad).  Or, an ignorant (not knowing better) teacher told you that you were not a good artist, or couldn’t form a good argument.  Or, you may have been in a peer group that modeled gossip, and you developed an internal voice wary of who to trust and that you yourself regularly fish for drama.  Or, you may be the victim of marketing, and feel that your body is just not good enough, no matter what you do… 

You get the idea.

We are socialized from the day we are born – we are instructed as to what to believe, what to value, and whom we should be.  It is up to you as a more mature/evolved person to question your beliefs, decide what you truly believe, and to work on transforming internal messages that do not serve your present day well-being.

Once you have identified negative, self devaluing thoughts, these are some things you can do:

Stop them in their tracks.  Observe your thought.  You have a choice: is this something you really believe?  If not, stop and force yourself to repeat a message that you want to believe in its place.  (You are working on interrupting neuro-pathway practiced thought patterns, and redirecting yourself to adopt and practice a new neuro-pathway.)  Example – Stop the thought:  “I am awful at public speaking!”  Replace it with: “It’s okay to feel nervous, and I know I have something valuable to present on this topic.  I will be fine, and possibly even good!”   

Develop new affirmative statements.  Ex:  “I am calm, I am competent, I have something important to offer.”

Practice these as much as possible in your daily thoughts.  Act as if you believe the thought, even if it feels awkward at first.  Just like learning a new motor skill, practice strengthens a mind set, or new neuro-pathway construct.

Develop a warm wise nurturing voice inside of you, that speaks to you from the voice of a true best friend.  Be patient, be forgiving, be gentle, be corrective, and be supportive to yourself.  It may help to think about what you would tell a best friend or your child in a moment of struggle, and give that to yourself.  Or, when you watch a movie and you see a character saying just the right thing to another character, practice having that character in you, coaching you.

In essence, when you learn to challenge and to create an internal dialog that is more authentic to your core self, you adopt and take responsibility for yourself in a very powerful way. And, learning to be kind and loving to yourself helps you to ultimately give love and kindness to others in a richer and more genuine form.

Peace,  Lisa

Dreams - Part 2

By Lisa Catania, LCSW

In reading Oprah’s August 2011 “O” magazine, I chanced upon an article which referenced dreams.  In “The Science of Intuition”, Annie Murphy Paul quotes psychology professor Rebecca Spencer :

“REM sleep is good for problem solving and decision making because your brain is putting pieces together and trying out new alternatives….you gain insights that wouldn’t occur to you when you’re awake.”  REM also activates the emotion area of the brain, so “things that are most important to you on a gut level are prioritized”.

Though this statement is not as poetic as Dr. Estes, similar knowledge is being communicated:  we can gain guidance from an inner source of wisdom while we sleep.

Since my conference with Dr. Estes, I have been recording some of my dreams.  I recently had a dream that seemed so bizarre and dark, that previously I would have discarded it.  Now, I feel quite excited by the creativity of my “Dream Maker” who, in her dark images, whispers messages of encouragement.

In my dream, I was down the street from my childhood home.  There were zombies invading the streets, and I was in a car looking to escape and to help others escape.  As zombies blocked the street, the driver of the car rolled down the window.  He had a knife in his hands, and to my surprise, he simply handed it to the zombie.  The zombie swallowed it down, and did the same with the next knife as well.  With this, I had a realization that the zombies wished to die.  As it is in dreams, suddenly I was the driver facing ambivalence and the questioning my courage to drive through the zombies to get to my home.  Then I awoke.

Using Dr. Este’s formula, here is my dream retold:  I was entering a passageway leading to a place of safety and love.  The restless undead  invaded my passageway.  I had a strong, solid protection that could get me to the next place and the one in charge handed the undead an item which could slice through and kill, finalize, release…  The undead wanted to be dead and released.  I realized I needed to deal with my ambivalence to move through  that which no longer served me.  If I did, my path to secure my protected, core place would be cleared.

With the help of this method to analyze my dreams, I felt empowered in my conscious state to believe that I could let old, unhelpful patterns die and that I could trust change and myself.

Pretty cool stuff.

Peace, Lisa

How do you make sense of dreams?

by Lisa Catania, LCSW


I recently had the delightful honor of attending a 5 day intensive conference with Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes.  She is a renown Jungian psychoanalyst, master storyteller and the author of the classic bestseller, Women Who Run with the Wolves.  For me, it was like going to hang out with a rock star - only better....like sitting at the feet of grandmother moon whispering her secrets, culled from watching us and the bigger world, faithfully night after night...


As part of the intensive, we explored dream analysis. Dr. Estes talks poetically about the "Dream Maker" who answers questions we ask in the form of riddles, or like "a letter from home, baked into a pie".  She spoke about each individual's unique spark or soul, which arrives on earth with the gift of a body and a spirit (or "genius" or "angel" which might be known as intuition or instinct).  Through human experience, she says, the body and spirit can become bruised or injured.  Yet, the soul, which predates and transcends our life on earth, can never by harmed.  She teaches that our soul has a purpose in our body's lifetime, but the understanding of this is in a different realm of conception than the language and understanding which our conscious mind can express.  So, the "Riddle Mother" nurtures and guides us, communicating through our unconscious, using symbols and the vehicle of our dreams.


Our unconscious is pure, non-judging, and - simply as a conduit - records everything.  As we venture through our everyday life, our conscious mind skims everything in our environment and edits information to support us with whatever task is at hand.  However, our unconscious mind notices everything and records nuances which hold some thing of value....and the next thing you know, some small detail shows up in our dreams - underlined and highlighted.  We often wonder what the message is.... in a tapestry of images, concepts, and messages that the Dream Maker weaves just for us each night...


Dr. Estes gives a very simple formula to begin to explore and understand the messages of the Dream Maker.  Keep a dream journal next to your bed, and express the wish to remember your dreams.  (This builds a new pattern and new neuro-pathways.)  When you awake, record your dream right away, before any gross motor movements or thoughts of morning tasks.  (She says that you may find over time that you can remember up to 5-7 dreams in a night - which research has found to be the average....and that they will start appearing like a chain of elephants each holding the tail of the one that comes before...(Don't you just love her imagery?!))


When you are ready to analyze, you identify all the nouns in the story of your dream.  You take them one by one and write down what they symbolize to you (your individual connotations are the most important interpretation, though you can also research what an object has symbolized over time and over cultures).  After you have done this for all the nouns, you retell your dream, but this time you substitute in the meanings they hold for you.  You can ask in reflection, "where in my life am I experiencing this right now?"  or  "where in my life ought I be experiencing this right now?"  You honor that interpretation, and stitch it in, as your own weaver of your life story.  If you made the wrong interpretation, reassures Dr. Estes, your unconscious or your Dream Maker will correct it.  Keep listening!


I hope I have you thinking, imagining and day dreaming....  Tune into the next post and I'll share a dream or two and my journey of processing it... 


And more than anything I wish you sweet, rich, interesting, even seemingly bizarre dreams, that enrich and inform your journey....


Peace,  Lisa

About Bullying

by Lisa Catania, LCSW


When I was a child, I remember intuiting the social order present in my grade school.  There were the cool, popular kids – they seemed graced in some way – good hair, gregarious smile, athletic ability, most recent fashion…   There were the nerds – they seemed cursed in some way – physically awkward, odd fashion, insecure…  I knew I couldn’t infiltrate the cool clique.  When I naively tried, I was told I was “annoying”.  And I knew I didn’t want to be a nerd, they were ignored and worse yet, the object of jokes and taunting.  For survival, I decided to melt into the background and not garnish too much attention and wait for high school where I could start anew.  (High school was only slightly better because there were more kids to identify with and more places to hide.  But, the social order ranking was omnipresent and even more competitive.)


I  wish now that I could have that time to do over again, but with the perspective and security in myself that I am constantly growing into.  I would want to befriend “the nerds” who I feel I have more in common with – sensitivity, social awkwardness, uniqueness, a lack of fashion sense.  However, I think I might still shy away from popular social acceptance, the sting of rejection and the perceived  work to maintain conformity still leaves me with uncomfortable feelings. 


As I work now as a therapist with children who experience the continuum of this dynamic, whether they are being bullied, feel left out, or struggling with what concessions they need to make to fit in, I sympathize greatly with their daily experience.   For these children, it is hard to re-enter the same situation day after day where you have to face social bruising, or worse yet, outright verbal, emotional, or physical violence. Children tend to face bullying during the unstructured, unsupervised moments of the day when any hope for caring adult intervention is lacking.  At these times children fall back on whatever resources they have, whether it be crying, retaliating, shrinking away, assertiveness….  They are the assigned victims in someone else’s script, and whatever response they give, it will be used against them.  The bottom line is that even if they have had a loving parent or a caring therapist coach them, in this moment they are very alone and most likely feel deeply shamed and inadequate.


The current literature in bullying stresses that bullying is a social phenomenon.  A person who bullies looks to secure his or her social status in some way.  A bully often scores low on emotional empathy ratings, and does not mind if they feel powerful at the expense of someone else’s pain or fear.  Besides aggressive actions, bullying does take the form of repeated social isolation, disregard, and gossiping/perpetuating rumors.  These are all ways  “the bully”can feel more secure in their social standing/regard.  (“Bullies” need strong messages from both disciplining adults and their peer group that this way of meeting their needs in unacceptable and intolerable.)


It is interesting that when these dynamics are talked about openly and in depth,  most children in the social setting feel a sense of sympathy for a child who gets bullied or rejected, and have some sense that what is happening is morally wrong.  However, it can feel too risky to stand up for the victim because of the possibility of retaliation or slipping in the social order. 


Indeed, the key to succeed in fighting bullying is two-fold:

1)  To teach all the children in the group (the bystanders) skills of empathy and action.  Parents and teachers should feel reassured that whenever they model or take the time to listen and validate a child's perspective and underlying feelings, they are nurturing empathy and confidence.  Empathy is reinforced by any opportunity to imagine what it would be like to be in someone else's shoes.  The ability to take a stand is learned by modeling, storytelling, and garnishing a lot of praise when someone shows this initiative (even if you ultimately have a different perspective). 
And, 2)  To let children know that involved adults will respond and judiciously discipline, providing victims with safety and support.


As community members, we can all stand behind the Blossom Boys initiative to help create a “Bully Free Beverly”.  We are the bystanders, even when we are not directly witnessing an act of bullying.  A good place to start is to think of your own experiences in your life when you have experienced the roles of the bully, the victim and the bystander.  Make a commitment to show  empathy and to take a stand.  Together we can make a powerful difference and maybe feel more at ease with simply being ourselves, whether an adult, child, socially gifted or a sensitive soul (or any combination of all of the above).

Peace,  Lisa

Dan Olweus has developed an effective comprehensive Bullying Prevention Program based on extensive research. This link describes the dynamics of bullying:
What is bullying?
The American Psychological Association has a very good primer on bullying for teachers and anyone wanting a more in-depth understanding of bullying:
Bullying: A Module for Teachers 

Lisa Madigan's site: Stop Cyberbullying

David Kessler, an authority on grief, writes a poignant and thoughtful article on how we can grieve and learn from the suicide of a child due to bullying:
The Grief of Bullycide

 



Here is a powerful, yet simple, video that is set to music and made by students.  Take a few minutes and watch: 

Starting therapy - the first step

by Lisa Catania, LCSW


When I first meet a new client, I often reflect on how brave they are to make the step into the therapist office.


Some people come into therapy because they see it as a spa-like experience.  They sink into the chair and enjoy expressing, exploring, feeling heard and finding a new perspective. However, most people come into therapy because they are in a place of crisis, often pain, and therapy is their last resort.  To let yourself be vulnerable with a stranger is hard, but overcoming stigma can make it even harder.


Many comment that they thought of seeking help sooner, but saw therapy as a sign of weakness, failure, or lack of faith.  Often they see themselves as failing since they have not been able to solve whatever the issue is on their own.  People also comment that they fear that after they start talking, that the therapist will assign them multiple diagnoses, and they will feel worse than when they came in!  Add to this, many of us have heard disparaging or dismissive comments about emotional concerns throughout our lives, such as: "What's wrong with you?!! You must be nuts!" or "just let it go, you're being a downer".  And some of us have seen less than reassuring TV depictions of therapy, like the Simpsons' episode where they go for family therapy and have buttons to electric shock each other (funny? well, yes.... but realistic? no!!).


I always see a strength and a fortitude in the person who walks over that threshold of fear and humility.  It takes a hidden strength to ask for help and to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  Asking for help is the first step in a journey that desires and invites change for the better.


What I find is that when clients find a therapist whom they can trust, feel comfortable with, and feel a sense of hope in the therapist's expertise, that they transform into that client that sinks into the chair, opens up and begins to see the possibilities of how they can change.


Peace,  Lisa