Creating a Culture of Kindness

By John Andrich, LCSW

 

A colleague told me this story: “A few months ago, a friend gleefully told me about a surprise she found on her windshield; a note with a big smiley face with the message, “You are wonderful. Thank you for being a shining unique beautiful light in the world!”  On the bottom it said, “Practice Random Acts of Kindness. Pass it on.”

When you are kind to others, it not only changes you, it changes the world. – Harold Kushner

Kindness is the virtue which gives rise to a variety of other highly valued qualities: compassion, generosity, empathy, tolerance and acceptance. The ability to consider the needs and desires of others in our interactions is central to our happiness. Psychologist and author Gordon Livingston notes that kindness reflects a belief in the basic decency of others, and so it must be balanced by the ability to recognize those who are unable or unwilling to give in return. It would appear that the capacity for kindness can be overwhelmed by our own self interests.

 

Research has shown that children do not need to be taught or trained to be kind, and acts of kindness can be observed from a very early age. Babies will often join in when they hear another baby cry, and researchers conclude that this is not an expression of distress, but rather an expression of sympathy for the crying baby. Children have been seen offering a toy to a distressed child, patting them on the head, or finding an adult to help.

 

However, by the fourth grade children have been socialized to think more about themselves than others. It is important therefore that children be actively encouraged to maintain the virtue of kindness. A recent research study at the University of California, Riverside, named Kindness Counts, revealed that performing deliberate acts of kindness made pre-teens more popular with classmates, gaining an average of 1.5 friends over the four week study period. The study showed that being kind to others benefits the giver, and earned the children in the study a greater sense of well being, increased popularity, and acceptance from their classmates.

 

To help children to become more mindful about doing acts of kindness, the concepts from the Kindness Counts study can be easily applied at home. The following four steps can help to increase happiness for children:

 

1) Plan a family activity. Create a month long activity where the entire family (including parents) record one act of kindness or one pleasant activity per day. You might call it your “Happiness Project” or “Happiness Diary”. These activities might include letting someone else go first, going out of your way for a friend, taking care of an animal, hugging someone to make them feel better, helping with dishes etc. They might include visits to places and experiences that make us feel good, like visiting relatives or going to the park.

 

2) Share what you have learned. Take time to share as a family each week. It’s not essential to share everything in one’s diary. What’s important is to share enough so that everyone learns from each other’s acts of kindness and begins to understand the kinds of experiences that bring gratitude to life. Sharing can encourage reflection and help bring meaning to our actions.

 

3) Practice, practice, practice. It may not be practical to keep up a “Happiness Diary” and share it on a consistent basis for much more than a month at a time. But is it possible to choose one month a year for this project? Are there other opportunities to strengthen and encourage kindness throughout the year?

 

4) Educate yourself about kindness. The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation website is a great place to begin.  You can learn about the importance of benefits of kindness and become inspired with activity ideas. Better yet, participate in Random Acts of Kindness Week, February 11-17, 2013. Come visit us on Facebook that week and post your inspired good deed or random act of kindness!

 

Coping with the holidays

by Lisa Catania, LCSW

 

As we all prepare for what the holiday season means for us, it is important to remember that one size doesn’t fit all.  We are barraged by constant ads showing excitement, festivities, and gift-giving.  Whether we realize it or not, advertising is trying to ramp us up to feel something that will motivate us to try to create the advertiser’s pictures in our own lives.

 For some, this is motivating and inspirational.  For others, they are warmed by happy memories and look forward to the current holidays as a chance to feel that same “warm blanket of happy traditions”.  For others, there is a sadness and disconnect as their life doesn’t look like the images portrayed.  Recent or past losses can come to the surface, and cause real pain.   And still for others, the expectations stack high and stress mounts as the holiday season becomes about “more” and endless lists and the need to be everything to everyone.

The holidays are a time of increased stress, no matter if they are filled with happy anticipation or with concern.  At particular risk for stress are individuals who are: coping with the loss of a loved one, experiencing family problems that create divisions/separation, far away from home, and caregivers.  If you find yourself in one of these groups, take extra care to be kind, patient and caring with yourself.  Engage in stress reducing exercises such as physical exercise, talking to someone, and/or meditative activities such as mediation, yoga, or prayer.  Find sources or affirmation and support, starting with loving self-statements for yourself.

Here is a holiday “coping guide” for all of us, with the hope that you can honor “wherever you are” and make this holiday season meaningful to you:

Use your feelings as a barometer to measure pressure inside and around you.  Acknowledge how you feel, and make adjustments.

Love yourself as much as you love others.

Talk to someone who is trust-worthy.  Be real, especially if you are hurting.

Release the belief that there is such a thing as “perfect”.

Look for things to “feel right” and authentic for you.  Look for things to be “good enough”.

Remember the importance of what this season means to you.  Honor that in your actions.

Love and connection are some of the most powerful gifts we are capable of giving.

Balance taking care of yourself with taking care of others.

Realize you are enough.

Know your boundaries and limits.  Practice saying no.  Practice saying yes. 

Ask for help when you need it.

Remember to breathe.  Breathe deeply into your core and say to yourself, “Relax”.  Breathe out slowly and say to yourself, “Let Go”.

Hold onto whatever feeds your soul.

Practice gratitude.

Practice faith.

Practice tolerance and acceptance of those who feel and think differently than you.

Enjoy moments. 

And laugh as often as you can.

Make this list your own, adding on whatever inspires or grounds you!

 Last, but not least, remember to reach out to someone who seems vulnerable this holiday season.  It’s the best medicine for the soul.  As the Dalai Lama says, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” 

Wishing you peace,  Lisa