Will Governor Quinn’s New Legislation Eliminate Bullying?

By Lisa Catania, LCSW

Printed in The Villager, August 2014

 Children experience bullying every day.  Consider this scenario:  Some child steps into the power role of name-calling, gossiping, physical threat or aggression, or getting peers’ attention by doing something-rude-and-daring-under-the-teacher’s-nose…  Another child gets targeted because someone has perceived him/her a target that can be dominated or diminished – a good subject for the age-old game of bullying.  Other children watch and observe the dynamics, studying how to avoid the game or perhaps how to join in and benefit from the illusion of power/importance.  Guaranteed, this “game” (that happened when you and I were children) is being played out anew in the neighborhood school, the backyard, and definitely in cyber-space.

Though bullying is commonly thought of as a “rite of passage” of “kids being kids” and a way of “toughening up”, it is actually a form of social violence that has real and often permanent consequences.  Children who are bullied have increased risk for depression, anxiety, health concerns, and a decrease in academic achievement.  Children who bully are more likely to have ongoing problems with abuse of others, abuse drugs and alcohol, drop out of school, and have criminal convictions.  Witnesses or bystanders of bullying can struggle with depression and anxiety, school attendance and be at increased risk for drug and alcohol abuse.  Bottom line, kids who are left alone with these dynamics struggle with feeling safe with others, and internalize distress.

Unfortunately, bullying is still under-recognized and poorly addressed at a societal level.  A teacher in a suburban school district tells me that she has seen bullying in every school she has taught in; and that she has yet to see a comprehensive dedicated approach to deal with bullying in any school system.  She sees that teachers often do not have significant training, administrative support, nor the time to deal with complex social and interpersonal issues that originate outside classroom environment but somehow become another responsibility in their already overloaded set of expectations.  I believe that our neighborhood schools, though often well intentioned, face the same constraints and often drop the ball in addressing bullying in the school community.

On June 26^th, 2014, Governor Quinn signed legislation to strengthen anti-bullying laws in Illinois. Effective immediately, the current legislation requires public, charter and “non-public and non-sectarian” schools to implement anti-bullying policy that: provides a definition of bullying; outlines procedures of reporting (including means to report bullying anonymously), investigating, and responding to bullying; includes parent notification; outlines interventions; describes means of posting and distributing the school’s policy; and reports data on bullying to the ISBE. This legislation was the result of a task force’s findings that Illinois previous anti-bullying law lacked adequate definition, policy and reporting directives.  Illinois still lacks a model policy program, and leaves policy development to individual schools/school districts.

Might this law be the solution to transform educational settings and make them bully-proof?  Unfortunately, I don’t think this law, in concert with previous laws, will make a tremendous difference.  It seems to lack funding and a model program, and leaves schools subject to the commitment and resources in already stressed systems.  The truth is that bullying exists because we, as a society, permit it and perpetuate it.  It takes a community to change bullying.  It takes students and parents who, in the face of bullying situations, are willing to speak up and insist on change.  It takes bystanders who will become “up-standers” – individuals who will offer to help and will commit to action, and who will refuse to give up.  It will take teachers who continue to go above and beyond to commit themselves to truly understanding bullying dynamics and to find daily social emotional learning opportunities to guide their students.  It takes administrators who are visionaries and leaders that will commit to a comprehensive anti-bullying program such as Olweus Bullying Prevention Program, and who will oversee daily efforts for years to create a healthier, safer social and emotional school environments.  It takes children and adults who are committed to become more tolerant, respectful and compassionate towards themselves and others. Change is possible if we hold ourselves and each other compassionately responsible.

For more information on the dynamic and effects of bullying, links to state law and effective anti-bullying programs, and local resources of support from Bully Free Beverly – please visit us at: http://beverlytherapists.com/bully.htm and via our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/BullyFreeBeverly.  More details will be posted when available.  We will provide a workshop on Bullying for interested parents and educators in September.

 

  For additional help, please feel free to call one of the therapists on the Bully Free Beverly team: Lisa Catania, LCSW 773-719-1751, Jennifer Lara, LCPC 773-251-8016, or Michelle Wood, LCSW 773-307-8365.

Let’s Spread Kindness in Beverly

By Lisa Catania, LCSW
Printed in The Villager, February 2014

Have you ever observed the power of an unexpected act of kindness?  The power you feel in yourself when you put a kind thought quickly into action and surprise someone with help or a small gift?  Or, the happiness you feel when you take the time to care for someone in a thoughtful way?  And the delight you feel when someone treats you kindly with no expectation of return?  It’s like magic, and creates a special feel-good feeling that feels like warmth, safety, love, luck.

I remember the time my car hit a monster pothole, busting my tire and forcing me to pull over in an unfamiliar neighborhood.  A kind gentleman appeared from his house, and dealt with the freezing cold weather to help me – in return he expected and wanted nothing.  The gift he gave me was more than a securely attached spare tire, he reminded me that people are kind and that I am not alone and unseen in a moment when I felt vulnerable.

There have been other times I have felt vulnerable and have wondered if the world is a safe place, especially when the Sandy Hook tragedy happened last winter.  I found solace in the invitation by a NBC News Correspondent, Ann Curry, to commit “26 acts of kindness” to honor the loss of the all the children and teachers.  What a wonderful proposition to help people feel power in doing something positive and develop a sense of communal healing.  I donated money for orphans in India to be provided with formula – it truly helped me to be a part of “something good”.

The best way to fight hatred, pain, fear and hurt is to act to create a world that reinforces the opposite:  kindness in action.  Kindness also creates community when we see ourselves in other people and offer help when it’s needed or acts of kindness when they are least expected.

Last February I discovered “Random Acts of Kindness week”.  I purchased a bunch of Dunkin Donuts gift cards and gave them to each of Clissold’s crossing guards and thanked them for showing up like postal carriers – through rain and shine and snow and below zero temperatures.  Smiles abounded!

For Random Acts of Kindness week this year (February 10-16^th), Beverly Therapists and Bully Free Beverly invite you to join us in spreading random acts of kindness in our neighborhood.  Surprise someone by paying for their cup of coffee, or dusting the snow off their car, or giving someone in a bus shelter a prepaid fare card, or writing an anonymous note of encouragement, or simply giving a stranger a rose and wishing them a good day…. You can visit www.randomactsofkindness.org for inspirational stories and wonderful inspiration.

To hopefully overwhelm our community with kindness we are printing up “random acts of kindness cards” and will ask local businesses to make them available on their countertops.  We are hoping you can commit some kind acts and give one of these cards to continue the cycle of kindness!  Please let us know what you have given or received: post on our Facebook page: www.facebook.com/beverly.therapy; tweet us @bev_therapists; #kindnessinbeverly; or leave me a voicemail at 773-719-1751 and I’ll spread the word for you!   We are hoping that the cards and acts of kindness will continue to show up in random places for months to come as all the good hearts in our neighborhood will continue to circulate acts of kindness for each other.

Letter to Parents about Bully Free Beverly Initiative

This letter to parents is part of a packet sent to local schools this past week.  Read this and the following 2 posts to get a comprehensive idea of the "I am an Upstander" Bully Free Beverly 2013 Initiative.  Please visit our website to more resources to deal with bullying: http://beverlytherapists.com/bully.htm

"October 2013

Dear Parents,

Enclosed please find an activity your child completed at school in collaboration with our Bully Free Beverly community wide initiative.

October is Bullying Prevention Awareness Month.  Bullying is a societal problem that we wish did not exist.  However, unfortunately, it does exist in both child centered and adult environments as a way that certain individuals look to have their power needs met at someone else’s expense. 

The Bully Free Beverly Initiative was first created by the Blossom Boys, and now we (a team of therapists at Beverly Therapists) are carrying this important idea forward.  Our hope is to educate the community about the basics of bullying dynamics so when situations come up, children and adults will be able to get help.  If you have current concerns about bullying, please reach out to us – we want to help – see our contact information at the end of this letter.

With our current initiative, “I AM AN UPSTANDER”, we are also trying to create a proactive and positive awareness and response at the very roots of bullying – when it occurs.  “Upstander” is a new term that refers to a compassionate, assertive bystander who “takes a stand to help” in the face of unjust, mean behavior.  We have confidence that most bystanders in bullying situations are compassionate and want to act when unjust situations occur. We asked teachers to talk to local students about bullying and upstanding.  We hope you will also talk with your child at home.  We hope this will help your child know they can talk to you if a difficult situation presents, and that you can talk together about positive, empowered ways to help and advocate for oneself and on behalf of others. Acts of upstanding include:

·         interrupting the bully from picking on a target

·         showing kindness and friendship for the person getting picked on
·         telling adults who can and will help
·         showing respect in words and actions

We want all children to feel safe and respected.  Please emphasize to your child that if a situation looks or feels out of control or dangerous, he/she should get adult help immediately and not intervene on his/her own.  For more information on bullying and what you and your child can do in bullying situations visit www.stopbulling.gov and visit our website page at www.BeverlyTherapists.com .

We hope you and your child will help us with our goal of increasing bullying awareness and positive reminders of upstanding on the community level.  Hang the picture in a prominent place at home, as a way to remind that your home is a “BULLY FREE ZONE”.  Also, please submit a color copy, or email us a scanned image of your child’s “I AM AN UPSTANDER” picture.  With your permission, we hope to make some posters to hang around the community and to post all submissions (one a day) on our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/BullyFreeBeverly.  Please like our page, and stay connected!

Mail/drop off (simply slip through our mail slot!) submissions to:

Lisa Catania, LCSW
Beverly Therapists
10725 South Western, 2^nd Floor
Chicago, IL 60643.
Or email images saved as a .pdf, .ai, .psd or .jpeg to Beverly-therapists@comcast.net .

Include your permission to use the picture for poster and/or Facebook use, and let us know if your child would like his/her name to be included, or to be anonymous.

Thank you for your consideration in supporting this initiative. 

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”
(Margaret Mead)

With gratitude and peace,

The Bully Free Beverly Team @
Beverly Therapists
10725 South Western, 2^nd Floor
Chicago, IL  60643
Email:  Beverly-therapists@comcast.net

Lisa Catania, LCSW                                  Jennifer Lara, LCPC                                Michelle Wood, LCSW

773-719-1751                                            773-251-8016                                         773-307-8365"

Setting Healthy Boundaries for a More Fulfilling Life

by Michelle Wood, LCSW

According to the dictionary definition, "boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for others to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside of those limits." 

Setting healthy boundaries takes time, practice and energy; however, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Healthy boundaries can lead to fulfilling relationships, a healthy sense of self esteem and increased confidence and happiness. There are many types of boundaries: emotional, social, physical and verbal. Without boundaries, our lives often become chaotic:  we are driven by others drama and we lose our sense of self.

People with healthy boundaries are able to say no and are ok when others say no them. They expect reciprocity in relationships and will not tolerate abuse or disrespect. People with healthy boundaries can identify the difference between their issues from someone else's. If you have healthy boundaries you are aware of and can communicate your own wants, needs and feelings and are comfortable communicating them in your relationships. You also share information gradually. And in a mutually trusting relationship, you are able to ask for help when you need it and you will not compromise your own values to avoid rejection.

Here are a few key steps to remember when working on setting healthy boundaries with others:


1.In order to set healthy boundaries for yourself, you must practice communicating assertively. Assertiveness is confidently expressing your opinions, wants or needs while not hurting or offending others in the process.   

2. Saying no is MORE than okay!  People will constantly test you to see what they can get away with. You set the standard for how you are treated and what you will tolerate. If you put your foot down, others will see that you respect yourself and will in turn respect you. 

If you cannot say no, some people will use you for what you can give them and you may feel taken advantage of. If you are constantly giving to others and neglecting your needs, you are telling others its ok to take from you without giving back. There has to be a give and take balance in all healthy relationships. 

3. Remember, you do not have to save anyone but yourself. If you consume yourself with the needs, feelings and choices of others, you will end up feeling exhausted, empty and neglected. You are not responsible for others happiness and fulfillment.

4. Everyone does not need to know your business! You will scare others off if you are trying to create a false sense of intimacy with others. Too much too soon can make people want to pull away from you. Also, untrustworthy people may use things against you, or feel that they know what’s best for you. Find someone you can trust to talk to about your feelings/problems who won't judge you. Remember to not to rely on others opinions more than you rely on your own.

5.When you set your boundaries or say no, expect others to have difficulty accepting this. You may experience backlash and this will take some time to get used to. It can be as uncomfortable for others to hear as it will be for you to say. They will find other ways to get their needs met and they will survive!  Do not let guilt prevent you from setting boundaries. Guilt can be a very overwhelming and powerful emotion. Some people will use guilt in order to manipulate you to put their needs first if you let them. (You and you only make the choice to allow yourself to feel guilt!)

6.Just as boundaries can be too flexible, they can also be overly rigid in order to protect oneself from being used or hurt. People with rigid boundaries often put up walls to keep others at a distance physically and emotionally which often leads to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Once you begin to move forward and practice the skill of saying no, learn to trust the right people, expect others to treat you with respect while respecting yourself and saying what you feel and need without feeling guilty, you will start to feel free, happy, whole and healthy while leaving the negativity and chaos of poor boundaries behind you

Let's bring down the walls that divide

By Kristine Olivas, LMFT

I lived in Germany for the first 10 years of my life and recall the German neighborhood next to our small military community divided by only a 4' chain link fence.  This served as the only separation between our vastly different cultures.  I loved walking over to the German playground and playing on their unique merry go round.  The children in that community would play with me & we shared that common language of "play" as children naturally do.

Then one day, I noticed that when the German kids came to our playground some American boys would get aggressive and chase off the German kids. Pretty soon, I was no longer welcome on the German playground. The boys continued with their mini wars until they had ceremoniously "marked" their territory as off limits.

As I look back on this, I realize how easy it is to construct walls that divide us.  Once that wall is up, it is almost a natural reaction to see each other's differences as wrong and to want to make them wrong.  It’s as if differences are wrong and anyone who is different is then wrong.  It is a natural and automatic practice to assess things and determine if it is “right or wrong”.

How often do you think we all judge someone in a day?  Fat/skinny, pretty/ugly, smart/stupid it goes on and on.  Most of us don't realize how fast we make an assessment of a new person.  How many times have we said, "She’s stuck up" only to find out later she's painfully shy. Or to think someone is an idiot and then once we get to know the person, find out they had a terrible day the day we met them.  Giving people chances to show all of who they are is very hard to do.  But the truth is that human beings are actually very complex and we all have different parts of us that come out depending on circumstances.

We all are struggling on this planet to find our way and whether you believe it or not, we all need each other.  If you took a chance today and brought your wall down, how might your life be positively influenced?  I often wonder about that playground in Kassel, Germany.  What wonderful influence we all could have shared with each other, perhaps lifelong friendships or just a truer understanding of each other's cultures.

So maybe today you can release a judgment of someone, take down your wall and see who that person actually is. And maybe someone will release their judgment of you and allow you to be imperfect and human, perhaps show you some compassion as you also make your way on this human journey.  Just a thought.  What do you think?

Negative Self Talk

By Lisa Catania, LCSW

When you stop to listen to the chatter in your mind, do you find negative voices talking to you about yourself or others?  (Don’t worry, it is completely normal!)  Where do those voices come from?  Is there a way to change them?

Most of the time, unwanted internal dialogs are remnant of previous socialization or experience.  At some point, someone probably said negative things to you, modeled limiting behavior, or you picked up critical messages mistakenly believing they belonged to you.

 It may have been a well meaning parent told you that children don’t talk back to their elders (what may have been internalized: conflict or speaking up is bad).  Or, an ignorant (not knowing better) teacher told you that you were not a good artist, or couldn’t form a good argument.  Or, you may have been in a peer group that modeled gossip, and you developed an internal voice wary of who to trust and that you yourself regularly fish for drama.  Or, you may be the victim of marketing, and feel that your body is just not good enough, no matter what you do… 

You get the idea.

We are socialized from the day we are born – we are instructed as to what to believe, what to value, and whom we should be.  It is up to you as a more mature/evolved person to question your beliefs, decide what you truly believe, and to work on transforming internal messages that do not serve your present day well-being.

Once you have identified negative, self devaluing thoughts, these are some things you can do:

Stop them in their tracks.  Observe your thought.  You have a choice: is this something you really believe?  If not, stop and force yourself to repeat a message that you want to believe in its place.  (You are working on interrupting neuro-pathway practiced thought patterns, and redirecting yourself to adopt and practice a new neuro-pathway.)  Example – Stop the thought:  “I am awful at public speaking!”  Replace it with: “It’s okay to feel nervous, and I know I have something valuable to present on this topic.  I will be fine, and possibly even good!”   

Develop new affirmative statements.  Ex:  “I am calm, I am competent, I have something important to offer.”

Practice these as much as possible in your daily thoughts.  Act as if you believe the thought, even if it feels awkward at first.  Just like learning a new motor skill, practice strengthens a mind set, or new neuro-pathway construct.

Develop a warm wise nurturing voice inside of you, that speaks to you from the voice of a true best friend.  Be patient, be forgiving, be gentle, be corrective, and be supportive to yourself.  It may help to think about what you would tell a best friend or your child in a moment of struggle, and give that to yourself.  Or, when you watch a movie and you see a character saying just the right thing to another character, practice having that character in you, coaching you.

In essence, when you learn to challenge and to create an internal dialog that is more authentic to your core self, you adopt and take responsibility for yourself in a very powerful way. And, learning to be kind and loving to yourself helps you to ultimately give love and kindness to others in a richer and more genuine form.

Peace,  Lisa

About Bullying

by Lisa Catania, LCSW


When I was a child, I remember intuiting the social order present in my grade school.  There were the cool, popular kids – they seemed graced in some way – good hair, gregarious smile, athletic ability, most recent fashion…   There were the nerds – they seemed cursed in some way – physically awkward, odd fashion, insecure…  I knew I couldn’t infiltrate the cool clique.  When I naively tried, I was told I was “annoying”.  And I knew I didn’t want to be a nerd, they were ignored and worse yet, the object of jokes and taunting.  For survival, I decided to melt into the background and not garnish too much attention and wait for high school where I could start anew.  (High school was only slightly better because there were more kids to identify with and more places to hide.  But, the social order ranking was omnipresent and even more competitive.)


I  wish now that I could have that time to do over again, but with the perspective and security in myself that I am constantly growing into.  I would want to befriend “the nerds” who I feel I have more in common with – sensitivity, social awkwardness, uniqueness, a lack of fashion sense.  However, I think I might still shy away from popular social acceptance, the sting of rejection and the perceived  work to maintain conformity still leaves me with uncomfortable feelings. 


As I work now as a therapist with children who experience the continuum of this dynamic, whether they are being bullied, feel left out, or struggling with what concessions they need to make to fit in, I sympathize greatly with their daily experience.   For these children, it is hard to re-enter the same situation day after day where you have to face social bruising, or worse yet, outright verbal, emotional, or physical violence. Children tend to face bullying during the unstructured, unsupervised moments of the day when any hope for caring adult intervention is lacking.  At these times children fall back on whatever resources they have, whether it be crying, retaliating, shrinking away, assertiveness….  They are the assigned victims in someone else’s script, and whatever response they give, it will be used against them.  The bottom line is that even if they have had a loving parent or a caring therapist coach them, in this moment they are very alone and most likely feel deeply shamed and inadequate.


The current literature in bullying stresses that bullying is a social phenomenon.  A person who bullies looks to secure his or her social status in some way.  A bully often scores low on emotional empathy ratings, and does not mind if they feel powerful at the expense of someone else’s pain or fear.  Besides aggressive actions, bullying does take the form of repeated social isolation, disregard, and gossiping/perpetuating rumors.  These are all ways  “the bully”can feel more secure in their social standing/regard.  (“Bullies” need strong messages from both disciplining adults and their peer group that this way of meeting their needs in unacceptable and intolerable.)


It is interesting that when these dynamics are talked about openly and in depth,  most children in the social setting feel a sense of sympathy for a child who gets bullied or rejected, and have some sense that what is happening is morally wrong.  However, it can feel too risky to stand up for the victim because of the possibility of retaliation or slipping in the social order. 


Indeed, the key to succeed in fighting bullying is two-fold:

1)  To teach all the children in the group (the bystanders) skills of empathy and action.  Parents and teachers should feel reassured that whenever they model or take the time to listen and validate a child's perspective and underlying feelings, they are nurturing empathy and confidence.  Empathy is reinforced by any opportunity to imagine what it would be like to be in someone else's shoes.  The ability to take a stand is learned by modeling, storytelling, and garnishing a lot of praise when someone shows this initiative (even if you ultimately have a different perspective). 
And, 2)  To let children know that involved adults will respond and judiciously discipline, providing victims with safety and support.


As community members, we can all stand behind the Blossom Boys initiative to help create a “Bully Free Beverly”.  We are the bystanders, even when we are not directly witnessing an act of bullying.  A good place to start is to think of your own experiences in your life when you have experienced the roles of the bully, the victim and the bystander.  Make a commitment to show  empathy and to take a stand.  Together we can make a powerful difference and maybe feel more at ease with simply being ourselves, whether an adult, child, socially gifted or a sensitive soul (or any combination of all of the above).

Peace,  Lisa

Dan Olweus has developed an effective comprehensive Bullying Prevention Program based on extensive research. This link describes the dynamics of bullying:
What is bullying?
The American Psychological Association has a very good primer on bullying for teachers and anyone wanting a more in-depth understanding of bullying:
Bullying: A Module for Teachers 

Lisa Madigan's site: Stop Cyberbullying

David Kessler, an authority on grief, writes a poignant and thoughtful article on how we can grieve and learn from the suicide of a child due to bullying:
The Grief of Bullycide

 



Here is a powerful, yet simple, video that is set to music and made by students.  Take a few minutes and watch: