Gratitude for a Full Life

By: Jennifer Lara, LCPC

 

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life." ~ Melody Beattie.

Gratitude creates awareness and appreciation for what we consider good, essential, nourishing and enriching in our lives.  It is a concept often talked about yet, not often practiced. Since young we are told saying "thank you" shows appreciation to the external world.  We tend to leave gratitude in the public space not realizing its powerful effect when included in the personal space – moments of solitude when we feel connected with appreciation of things in our lives.  Studies show that a regular gratitude practice can increase our levels of happiness, energy, positive outlook, and overall well-being.

Gratitude can change perception effortlessly. Consider a moment when you are confronted by a boring task, such as washing the dishes.  Witness how your experience can change when you frame the event with a sense of gratitude: “I am grateful for the meditative quiet time in this task”. Being thankful for experiences, people, and things allows us to be present in that moment. In times where life takes a sharp turn for the unexpected, gratitude can help ground us.  When the world seems heavy and uninviting, gratitude can help refocus us to what we do have present in our lives.  When worry or doubt arise, focusing on aspects we are grateful for helps quell the anxiety.  When stress begins to overwhelm, taking a few minutes to express gratitude creates a sense of control. Cultivating gratitude enhances experiences, relationships, and positive emotions.

How to begin incorporating and practicing gratitude? Here are some ideas:

•  Start a gratitude journal and write down at least three things each day

•  Create a daily habit of reciting a gratitude prayer

•  Translate negative events with gratitude; see these as opportunities for change and growth

•  Express gratitude to both strangers and friends alike

•  Include gratitude in meditation routine

•  Establish a family gratitude ritual

•  Notice "small" everyday things to appreciate

•   Volunteer and give back

Creating a Culture of Kindness

By John Andrich, LCSW

 

A colleague told me this story: “A few months ago, a friend gleefully told me about a surprise she found on her windshield; a note with a big smiley face with the message, “You are wonderful. Thank you for being a shining unique beautiful light in the world!”  On the bottom it said, “Practice Random Acts of Kindness. Pass it on.”

When you are kind to others, it not only changes you, it changes the world. – Harold Kushner

Kindness is the virtue which gives rise to a variety of other highly valued qualities: compassion, generosity, empathy, tolerance and acceptance. The ability to consider the needs and desires of others in our interactions is central to our happiness. Psychologist and author Gordon Livingston notes that kindness reflects a belief in the basic decency of others, and so it must be balanced by the ability to recognize those who are unable or unwilling to give in return. It would appear that the capacity for kindness can be overwhelmed by our own self interests.

 

Research has shown that children do not need to be taught or trained to be kind, and acts of kindness can be observed from a very early age. Babies will often join in when they hear another baby cry, and researchers conclude that this is not an expression of distress, but rather an expression of sympathy for the crying baby. Children have been seen offering a toy to a distressed child, patting them on the head, or finding an adult to help.

 

However, by the fourth grade children have been socialized to think more about themselves than others. It is important therefore that children be actively encouraged to maintain the virtue of kindness. A recent research study at the University of California, Riverside, named Kindness Counts, revealed that performing deliberate acts of kindness made pre-teens more popular with classmates, gaining an average of 1.5 friends over the four week study period. The study showed that being kind to others benefits the giver, and earned the children in the study a greater sense of well being, increased popularity, and acceptance from their classmates.

 

To help children to become more mindful about doing acts of kindness, the concepts from the Kindness Counts study can be easily applied at home. The following four steps can help to increase happiness for children:

 

1) Plan a family activity. Create a month long activity where the entire family (including parents) record one act of kindness or one pleasant activity per day. You might call it your “Happiness Project” or “Happiness Diary”. These activities might include letting someone else go first, going out of your way for a friend, taking care of an animal, hugging someone to make them feel better, helping with dishes etc. They might include visits to places and experiences that make us feel good, like visiting relatives or going to the park.

 

2) Share what you have learned. Take time to share as a family each week. It’s not essential to share everything in one’s diary. What’s important is to share enough so that everyone learns from each other’s acts of kindness and begins to understand the kinds of experiences that bring gratitude to life. Sharing can encourage reflection and help bring meaning to our actions.

 

3) Practice, practice, practice. It may not be practical to keep up a “Happiness Diary” and share it on a consistent basis for much more than a month at a time. But is it possible to choose one month a year for this project? Are there other opportunities to strengthen and encourage kindness throughout the year?

 

4) Educate yourself about kindness. The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation website is a great place to begin.  You can learn about the importance of benefits of kindness and become inspired with activity ideas. Better yet, participate in Random Acts of Kindness Week, February 11-17, 2013. Come visit us on Facebook that week and post your inspired good deed or random act of kindness!

 

You are worthy of love and belonging. As is.

Deepok Chopra says that every feeling has a physical molecular presentation in our body, throughout our body.  Feelings of depression, anger, anxiety can mount into illness that effect the body, mind and spirit.

Conversely, feelings such as tranquility create the equivalent of valium, and exhileration creates the equivalent of powerful anti-cancer molecules in abundance. 

We have the powerful ability to effect our health through our feelings.  Try the above quote as an affirmation.  Allow yourself to feel the feelings of love, acceptance, well-being.  Imagine a beautiful white light radiating around you, and inside you.  Practice this as often as possible.

Below are some links to Brene Brown's inspirational TED talks on understanding and healing shame.  Spoiler alert - vulnerability and acceptance of yourself are key to the experience!

I think everyone should see these:

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

Brene Brown: Listening to Shame

Peace,  Lisa Catania, LCSW

Creating Healthy Self-Esteem

By Jinnie English, LCSW

How others treat us is greatly influenced by the way we see ourselves. We all know people who genuinely like themselves and feel content with their lives. Because they see the positive in themselves, they are able to understand and appreciate the good in other people. They treat others with a sense of respect – a skill they know well because this is how they treat themselves. When our feelings about ourselves are positive, we show others that we like and value ourselves – and then others tend to treat us well. But when we have negative feelings about ourselves, so that we are too critical, complaining and pessimistic, others tend to take this attitude toward us as well. How we treat ourselves helps determine how others will treat us.

The thoughts we have about ourselves, or how we define ourselves, contribute to our self-image. The feelings we have about these thoughts, whether these feelings are good or bad, are the building blocks of our self-esteem. Our self-image, and gradually our self-esteem, can be molded by our parents, family, friends, physical or intellectual abilities, education, and jobs. Just as we have definitions for most things in the world, we also have definitions of ourselves. We come to define ourselves the way others define us. Thus, if others treat us with love and kindness, as if we are special and unique people, then we will eventually define ourselves in this way as well. On the other hand, if other people treat us as if we are a bother to have around and not worth much, then we will also come to see ourselves in this way.

Some people confuse healthy positive self-esteem with audacity or arrogance, a false sense of superiority over other people. True self-esteem, however, means that we do not have to assert ourselves at the expense of other people. Indeed, it is those with negative self-esteem who must resort to the tactic of exaggerating their own worth, usually by putting other people down. Those with positive self-esteem can acknowledge their own worth and also validate the positive qualities of others.

Techniques for Creating Positive Self-Esteem

• Work on Your Private Thoughts
How we feel about ourselves privately, whether these feelings are positive or negative, influences how we interpret our own actions, the decisions we make, the goals we set for ourselves, and how we relate to other people. Negative internal feelings usually lead to lower expectations and achievements, while positive definitions usually result in higher aspirations. Consider some of the following ways in which these private, internal thoughts can be modified.

• Examine your unrealistic expectations. Negative self-esteem is driven by thoughts couched in “shoulds,” “oughts,” and “musts.” These words imply that we should be something other than what we are. A more positive approach is to replace these words with “wants.” Instead of saying self-punitively, “I should be a better friend,” it may be helpful to change the thought to: “I want to be a better friend.”

• Accept the fact that history cannot be changed. We often punish ourselves endlessly for certain regrettable actions we have taken in the past – and this feeds our negative self-esteem. But we all make mistakes, and we can learn from them. In fact, the positive spin on this is that we, as fallible humans, must make mistakes in life – and perhaps we should be thankful that we have made them, for how else would we acquire wisdom and learn the route to a happier life? History cannot be undone, but we can focus on the present and future, drawing on our power to create the life we choose for ourselves.

• Reflect on the good experiences in your life. Instead of dwelling our on flaws, it is more helpful to think about what is good in our lives. Think about your successes rather than your failures. We all have life experiences that make us feel good. Define yourself in terms of these positive experiences. Nearly every negative thought can be turned into a positive. For example, if you are in a financial crisis, it’s not the end of the world – because now you can get in touch with simpler pleasures and more meaningful experiences. If a friend has rejected you, you are now free to spend your time with other friends who will treat you well.

• Set positive goals for the future. Examine your personal needs, desires, assets and abilities – and think of how you can use them to achieve the life you want for yourself. Commit yourself to having the best life you can have – without feeling that you have to achieve perfection. Make your goals realistic and achievable, and work toward them, step by step, enjoying the successes and overcoming the occasional stumbles. Draw on the positive within yourself – with an awareness of how the old negative tendencies may show themselves. Setting positive goals draws on, and reinforces, your positive self-esteem and reminds you of the power you have to set your own course.