Understanding and Soothing the Anxious Self

By Lisa Catania, LCSW

 

Anxiety is one of the primary reasons individuals come to counseling. Everyone deals with anxiety in some capacity.  For some it is an infrequent experience, and for others it is a lifelong companion.  For most, it tends to be an uncomfortable feeling suggesting risk in near and potentially unmanageable.  For this reason, anxiety can turn into real panic and can render a person feeling powerless.

 

Believe it or not, anxiety in its’ basic form serves a positive function, as do all emotions.  Anxiety is your sympathetic nervous system sounding an alarm that danger is present.  This creates a “flight or fight” response.  When this alarm system gets triggered, your brain creates “circuitry” to tag situational related events to give you an early warning system the next time a similar threat is present.  This is where problematic anxiety can set its’ roots – if you experience an adrenaline charged alarm while engaging in an ordinary event (like driving your car in snow), you can misperceive the benign experience as a dire threat to your safety and well-being (alas, developing a fear of driving in winter).  When you respond to these false alarms by reacting as if it is real (by flight: avoiding; or by fight: over-reacting), you can deepen your fear response and a reoccurring anxiety reaction can result.

 

Compassion and self-compassion are of primary importance as distress dominates, and sometimes shame can develop as self-criticism and a misconception of weakness can occur.  Here are some beginning ideas to help begin to “soften” the anxiety experience.

 

First, look for the beginning signs of stress or anxiety; for example: a worried thought, a quickened heart beat, or butterflies in the stomach.  Label it as what it is: the anxiety response. Begin right away with “turning down the alarm system” by practicing relaxation and calming.  Take deep belly breaths.  Use positive, reassuring, calming self-talk, such as “relax…. I can handle this”. This first step is important: when you calm yourself and self-soothe, you are activating your parasympathetic nervous system which is a “rescue” system that restores a calm physical state. In other words, you remind yourself that you can handle the experience of the moment, as well as the actual situation.

 

Anxiety-ridden moments can be ferocious, especially when they have been reinforced by avoidance or over-reaction. To be able to thwart these moments, you need to build up the “muscles” of your relaxation response.  Practicing deep breathing and relaxed feelings daily, especially when you are not triggered, will help you build and access this helpful “circuitry” when you need it most. It is also helpful to recognize and change any thoughts or beliefs related to your anxiety reaction, especially thoughts that reduce your sense of safety or control.  Instead of believing “I can’t drive in the snow”, reframe the thought: “I am scared, but can breathe into my real strengths. I can handle this”. Practice thoughts that include patience, self-compassion, forgiveness, and self-empowerment, such as “I can acknowledge my anxiety, and have compassion for my fear.  I am more than one feeling/experience.  I have real strengths I can bring to the situation.  I can ask for help, understanding, and support. I am safe.”

 

Also, develop routines of self-care to increase general health and well-being.  Exercise and healthy eating help to release pent-up energy and frustrations, and physically build up inner strength, hardiness, and self-worth.  Practices of meditation, mindfulness, and prayer help settle the mind and connect to a higher source or the bigger picture.

     

 Once you feel calmer, you can more readily access the problem-solving frontal lobe area of the brain.  At this point, you can address situations in their real form and develop a strategy plan.  Problems are more solvable or navigable if you can calm your anxiety, take things a-step-at-a-time, implement strategy plans and practice self care and self-compassion. 

Negative Self Talk

By Lisa Catania, LCSW

When you stop to listen to the chatter in your mind, do you find negative voices talking to you about yourself or others?  (Don’t worry, it is completely normal!)  Where do those voices come from?  Is there a way to change them?

Most of the time, unwanted internal dialogs are remnant of previous socialization or experience.  At some point, someone probably said negative things to you, modeled limiting behavior, or you picked up critical messages mistakenly believing they belonged to you.

 It may have been a well meaning parent told you that children don’t talk back to their elders (what may have been internalized: conflict or speaking up is bad).  Or, an ignorant (not knowing better) teacher told you that you were not a good artist, or couldn’t form a good argument.  Or, you may have been in a peer group that modeled gossip, and you developed an internal voice wary of who to trust and that you yourself regularly fish for drama.  Or, you may be the victim of marketing, and feel that your body is just not good enough, no matter what you do… 

You get the idea.

We are socialized from the day we are born – we are instructed as to what to believe, what to value, and whom we should be.  It is up to you as a more mature/evolved person to question your beliefs, decide what you truly believe, and to work on transforming internal messages that do not serve your present day well-being.

Once you have identified negative, self devaluing thoughts, these are some things you can do:

Stop them in their tracks.  Observe your thought.  You have a choice: is this something you really believe?  If not, stop and force yourself to repeat a message that you want to believe in its place.  (You are working on interrupting neuro-pathway practiced thought patterns, and redirecting yourself to adopt and practice a new neuro-pathway.)  Example – Stop the thought:  “I am awful at public speaking!”  Replace it with: “It’s okay to feel nervous, and I know I have something valuable to present on this topic.  I will be fine, and possibly even good!”   

Develop new affirmative statements.  Ex:  “I am calm, I am competent, I have something important to offer.”

Practice these as much as possible in your daily thoughts.  Act as if you believe the thought, even if it feels awkward at first.  Just like learning a new motor skill, practice strengthens a mind set, or new neuro-pathway construct.

Develop a warm wise nurturing voice inside of you, that speaks to you from the voice of a true best friend.  Be patient, be forgiving, be gentle, be corrective, and be supportive to yourself.  It may help to think about what you would tell a best friend or your child in a moment of struggle, and give that to yourself.  Or, when you watch a movie and you see a character saying just the right thing to another character, practice having that character in you, coaching you.

In essence, when you learn to challenge and to create an internal dialog that is more authentic to your core self, you adopt and take responsibility for yourself in a very powerful way. And, learning to be kind and loving to yourself helps you to ultimately give love and kindness to others in a richer and more genuine form.

Peace,  Lisa