Judgments and criticisms are all around us. We make judgments about others and ourselves
every day. That is, in fact, the nature
of the human ego. As long as we are
human, we will judge and be judged.
While the simple act of having a judgment or criticism about
others may be inevitable, we have full control over what we do with our
judgments. We can decide to share them
or we can keep them to ourselves. Or, we
can go one step further; we can look at our judgments closely and find out what
they may have to say about us.
Frequently, we assume that criticism is helpful. It is easy to think that your partner will
appreciate it if you point out their mistakes and give them suggestions on how
to improve. As a result, it can become a
habit of mind to look for what others are doing wrong and to make criticisms
accordingly. However, when a person
feels criticized or judged, they often make more “mistakes” and become
defensive. This negatively affects the relationship.
Many of us know how it feels to have a boss give us
“constructive criticism.” We often don’t feel better after hearing this. In fact, we feel worse, and we often don’t
want to do better next time. It is the
criticism in the statement that stings badly.
In his book, The Seven Principles
for Making Marriage work, Dr. John Gottman discusses the results of his
research regarding the impact negative statements or criticisms. He found there
to be a 1 to 5 ratio of critical to positive statements. That is, for each critical statement we make,
we have to make five positive statements to cancel the impact of our
criticism. This is because negative
words hurt more. We can all remember the
impact from a criticism we received, even one said years ago; however, we often
have a harder time remembering an appreciation we received.
Undoubtedly, there will be times when we fail to contain our
judgments, times when we aren’t our best selves. The good news is that there is a remedy for
this: sharing appreciations. It is far more valuable to learn how to appreciate
the things your partner does well and to ask them to do more of those things,
than it is to tell them that what they are doing is wrong.
Often, we may like
the things that our partner does in the moment, but we don’t share this
valuable information with them. Your
loved ones need to know what they are doing well on a daily basis. This acknowledgment is important. It feels good to feel appreciated and “seen”
in the relationship. Plus, sharing
appreciations can also serve our own interests.
This practice causes our loved one to do the things that we like more
often.
When it comes to sharing appreciations and gratitude, here
is a good rule to follow: the more specific an appreciation is, the more
valuable it feels. While it is easy to
say “thanks”, the dividends from that simple expression of gratitude are
relatively small. Fortunately, very
little effort is required to turn “thanks” into something more meaningful. Next time, try giving a bit more: “thank you for taking the dog to the vet
today. I had a very long and stressful day and it made me feel cared for
to know that you took care of this so that I could relax when I got home from
work. I really appreciate it.”
It is important to make time every day to connect
emotionally with your loved ones. One way
to do this is to create a culture of appreciation in the context of your most
important relationships. Try sharing one
thing with your loved one that they have done in the last week that you
appreciate. Also, if you have kids, remember to tell them something that you
appreciate about them too.
