Relationship Help: the Power of Appreciation

by Monica Hagerty, LCSW

Judgments and criticisms are all around us.  We make judgments about others and ourselves every day.  That is, in fact, the nature of the human ego.  As long as we are human, we will judge and be judged.

While the simple act of having a judgment or criticism about others may be inevitable, we have full control over what we do with our judgments.  We can decide to share them or we can keep them to ourselves.  Or, we can go one step further; we can look at our judgments closely and find out what they may have to say about us. 

Frequently, we assume that criticism is helpful.  It is easy to think that your partner will appreciate it if you point out their mistakes and give them suggestions on how to improve.  As a result, it can become a habit of mind to look for what others are doing wrong and to make criticisms accordingly.  However, when a person feels criticized or judged, they often make more “mistakes” and become defensive.  This negatively affects the relationship. 

Many of us know how it feels to have a boss give us “constructive criticism.” We often don’t feel better after hearing this.  In fact, we feel worse, and we often don’t want to do better next time.  It is the criticism in the statement that stings badly.  In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work, Dr. John Gottman discusses the results of his research regarding the impact negative statements or criticisms. He found there to be a 1 to 5 ratio of critical to positive statements.  That is, for each critical statement we make, we have to make five positive statements to cancel the impact of our criticism.   This is because negative words hurt more.  We can all remember the impact from a criticism we received, even one said years ago; however, we often have a harder time remembering an appreciation we received. 

Undoubtedly, there will be times when we fail to contain our judgments, times when we aren’t our best selves.  The good news is that there is a remedy for this: sharing appreciations. It is far more valuable to learn how to appreciate the things your partner does well and to ask them to do more of those things, than it is to tell them that what they are doing is wrong.

Often, we may  like the things that our partner does in the moment, but we don’t share this valuable information with them.  Your loved ones need to know what they are doing well on a daily basis.  This acknowledgment is important.  It feels good to feel appreciated and “seen” in the relationship.  Plus, sharing appreciations can also serve our own interests.  This practice causes our loved one to do the things that we like more often.  

When it comes to sharing appreciations and gratitude, here is a good rule to follow: the more specific an appreciation is, the more valuable it feels.  While it is easy to say “thanks”, the dividends from that simple expression of gratitude are relatively small.  Fortunately, very little effort is required to turn “thanks” into something more meaningful.  Next time, try giving a bit more:  “thank you for taking the dog to the vet today.  I had a very long and  stressful day and it made me feel cared for to know that you took care of this so that I could relax when I got home from work.  I really appreciate it.” 

It is important to make time every day to connect emotionally with your loved ones.  One way to do this is to create a culture of appreciation in the context of your most important relationships.  Try sharing one thing with your loved one that they have done in the last week that you appreciate. Also, if you have kids, remember to tell them something that you appreciate about them too.