Setting Healthy Boundaries for a More Fulfilling Life

by Michelle Wood, LCSW

According to the dictionary definition, "boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for others to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside of those limits." 

Setting healthy boundaries takes time, practice and energy; however, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Healthy boundaries can lead to fulfilling relationships, a healthy sense of self esteem and increased confidence and happiness. There are many types of boundaries: emotional, social, physical and verbal. Without boundaries, our lives often become chaotic:  we are driven by others drama and we lose our sense of self.

People with healthy boundaries are able to say no and are ok when others say no them. They expect reciprocity in relationships and will not tolerate abuse or disrespect. People with healthy boundaries can identify the difference between their issues from someone else's. If you have healthy boundaries you are aware of and can communicate your own wants, needs and feelings and are comfortable communicating them in your relationships. You also share information gradually. And in a mutually trusting relationship, you are able to ask for help when you need it and you will not compromise your own values to avoid rejection.

Here are a few key steps to remember when working on setting healthy boundaries with others:


1.In order to set healthy boundaries for yourself, you must practice communicating assertively. Assertiveness is confidently expressing your opinions, wants or needs while not hurting or offending others in the process.   

2. Saying no is MORE than okay!  People will constantly test you to see what they can get away with. You set the standard for how you are treated and what you will tolerate. If you put your foot down, others will see that you respect yourself and will in turn respect you. 

If you cannot say no, some people will use you for what you can give them and you may feel taken advantage of. If you are constantly giving to others and neglecting your needs, you are telling others its ok to take from you without giving back. There has to be a give and take balance in all healthy relationships. 

3. Remember, you do not have to save anyone but yourself. If you consume yourself with the needs, feelings and choices of others, you will end up feeling exhausted, empty and neglected. You are not responsible for others happiness and fulfillment.

4. Everyone does not need to know your business! You will scare others off if you are trying to create a false sense of intimacy with others. Too much too soon can make people want to pull away from you. Also, untrustworthy people may use things against you, or feel that they know what’s best for you. Find someone you can trust to talk to about your feelings/problems who won't judge you. Remember to not to rely on others opinions more than you rely on your own.

5.When you set your boundaries or say no, expect others to have difficulty accepting this. You may experience backlash and this will take some time to get used to. It can be as uncomfortable for others to hear as it will be for you to say. They will find other ways to get their needs met and they will survive!  Do not let guilt prevent you from setting boundaries. Guilt can be a very overwhelming and powerful emotion. Some people will use guilt in order to manipulate you to put their needs first if you let them. (You and you only make the choice to allow yourself to feel guilt!)

6.Just as boundaries can be too flexible, they can also be overly rigid in order to protect oneself from being used or hurt. People with rigid boundaries often put up walls to keep others at a distance physically and emotionally which often leads to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Once you begin to move forward and practice the skill of saying no, learn to trust the right people, expect others to treat you with respect while respecting yourself and saying what you feel and need without feeling guilty, you will start to feel free, happy, whole and healthy while leaving the negativity and chaos of poor boundaries behind you

Relationship Help: the Power of Appreciation

by Monica Hagerty, LCSW

Judgments and criticisms are all around us.  We make judgments about others and ourselves every day.  That is, in fact, the nature of the human ego.  As long as we are human, we will judge and be judged.

While the simple act of having a judgment or criticism about others may be inevitable, we have full control over what we do with our judgments.  We can decide to share them or we can keep them to ourselves.  Or, we can go one step further; we can look at our judgments closely and find out what they may have to say about us. 

Frequently, we assume that criticism is helpful.  It is easy to think that your partner will appreciate it if you point out their mistakes and give them suggestions on how to improve.  As a result, it can become a habit of mind to look for what others are doing wrong and to make criticisms accordingly.  However, when a person feels criticized or judged, they often make more “mistakes” and become defensive.  This negatively affects the relationship. 

Many of us know how it feels to have a boss give us “constructive criticism.” We often don’t feel better after hearing this.  In fact, we feel worse, and we often don’t want to do better next time.  It is the criticism in the statement that stings badly.  In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work, Dr. John Gottman discusses the results of his research regarding the impact negative statements or criticisms. He found there to be a 1 to 5 ratio of critical to positive statements.  That is, for each critical statement we make, we have to make five positive statements to cancel the impact of our criticism.   This is because negative words hurt more.  We can all remember the impact from a criticism we received, even one said years ago; however, we often have a harder time remembering an appreciation we received. 

Undoubtedly, there will be times when we fail to contain our judgments, times when we aren’t our best selves.  The good news is that there is a remedy for this: sharing appreciations. It is far more valuable to learn how to appreciate the things your partner does well and to ask them to do more of those things, than it is to tell them that what they are doing is wrong.

Often, we may  like the things that our partner does in the moment, but we don’t share this valuable information with them.  Your loved ones need to know what they are doing well on a daily basis.  This acknowledgment is important.  It feels good to feel appreciated and “seen” in the relationship.  Plus, sharing appreciations can also serve our own interests.  This practice causes our loved one to do the things that we like more often.  

When it comes to sharing appreciations and gratitude, here is a good rule to follow: the more specific an appreciation is, the more valuable it feels.  While it is easy to say “thanks”, the dividends from that simple expression of gratitude are relatively small.  Fortunately, very little effort is required to turn “thanks” into something more meaningful.  Next time, try giving a bit more:  “thank you for taking the dog to the vet today.  I had a very long and  stressful day and it made me feel cared for to know that you took care of this so that I could relax when I got home from work.  I really appreciate it.” 

It is important to make time every day to connect emotionally with your loved ones.  One way to do this is to create a culture of appreciation in the context of your most important relationships.  Try sharing one thing with your loved one that they have done in the last week that you appreciate. Also, if you have kids, remember to tell them something that you appreciate about them too.  

Forgiveness

by Patricia Harthun, LCPC

After the holiday season, we gather up the last of the bows and the wrappings, and find little niches for all the new presents.  Every now and then, there can be emotional baggage that is hard (and detrimental) to store away. 

“‘Tis the season?” The classic picture of the holiday season includes families and friends getting together in peace and harmony.  That happens… sometimes. At other times, old hurts get triggered and unhealthy patterns of interaction resurface.  Sadly for some, there is no interaction. When estranged from family members, the cultural focus on family togetherness highlights the divisions. 

In these cases, family relationships and friendships can be injured by misunderstandings or angry words.  An individual may feel slighted, and may “write off” the offender. Suddenly, all the positives that have occurred previously are forgotten, and all future actions are viewed through a negative lens. The hurt person may gather evidence for the conclusion they have decided on. 

There are times when abusive relationships and dysfunctional family dynamics make distance necessary for self-protection.  Creating supportive environments through friends or “adopted families” helps fill important needs for support and connection.  Even if situations require distance from family, individuals can still work internally on their wounds to create more room for forgiveness in the future or from a distance.

So how or why should we forgive?  The why is clear.  Unresolved anger and resentment eat away at our well being and intrude on our peace of mind.  The how involves taking into consideration that people are human and make mistakes.  Very often, the hurt caused by ignoring or retaliating is greater than the original injury.  We have the right to express what we would like to see change, but we lose the opportunity for change when we “write off” someone because they have wronged us.  No one is all good or all bad. Can we recognize that the missteps co-exist with the good deeds? If we can focus on the positive aspects of a person and speak up or step back temporarily when the negative creeps in, then we get the best of both worlds. We have the opportunity for improved relationships. 

The fill-in-the blank phrase “when you did _____, I felt______, next time  please_______” can provide a framework for expressing what changes you want. We do possess the capability for healing and change. If we can allow for the imperfections of the people in our lives, we can move past the hurts and enjoy the richness of the relationships around us.

Let's bring down the walls that divide

By Kristine Olivas, LMFT

I lived in Germany for the first 10 years of my life and recall the German neighborhood next to our small military community divided by only a 4' chain link fence.  This served as the only separation between our vastly different cultures.  I loved walking over to the German playground and playing on their unique merry go round.  The children in that community would play with me & we shared that common language of "play" as children naturally do.

Then one day, I noticed that when the German kids came to our playground some American boys would get aggressive and chase off the German kids. Pretty soon, I was no longer welcome on the German playground. The boys continued with their mini wars until they had ceremoniously "marked" their territory as off limits.

As I look back on this, I realize how easy it is to construct walls that divide us.  Once that wall is up, it is almost a natural reaction to see each other's differences as wrong and to want to make them wrong.  It’s as if differences are wrong and anyone who is different is then wrong.  It is a natural and automatic practice to assess things and determine if it is “right or wrong”.

How often do you think we all judge someone in a day?  Fat/skinny, pretty/ugly, smart/stupid it goes on and on.  Most of us don't realize how fast we make an assessment of a new person.  How many times have we said, "She’s stuck up" only to find out later she's painfully shy. Or to think someone is an idiot and then once we get to know the person, find out they had a terrible day the day we met them.  Giving people chances to show all of who they are is very hard to do.  But the truth is that human beings are actually very complex and we all have different parts of us that come out depending on circumstances.

We all are struggling on this planet to find our way and whether you believe it or not, we all need each other.  If you took a chance today and brought your wall down, how might your life be positively influenced?  I often wonder about that playground in Kassel, Germany.  What wonderful influence we all could have shared with each other, perhaps lifelong friendships or just a truer understanding of each other's cultures.

So maybe today you can release a judgment of someone, take down your wall and see who that person actually is. And maybe someone will release their judgment of you and allow you to be imperfect and human, perhaps show you some compassion as you also make your way on this human journey.  Just a thought.  What do you think?

Do you see these negative patterns in your relationship?

By Monica Hagerty, LCSW


As a local marriage and family therapist, I want to share what I see as three common negative behaviors:  criticism, defensiveness, and contempt.   These are the same things Dr. John Gottman found in his research.  If these negative behaviors are prevalent they predict a decline in relationship satisfaction.  Each has a remedy, so if you find you have any of these, things can improve.

            Criticism is a very common negative behavior.  Criticism means to make a complaint, but to add blame suggesting the problem is a character defect in our partner.  This type of complaining presents as a global attack on their personality. The exclamation “What is wrong with you?!” implies the issue being confronted is entirely the fault of the other person.  Other mistakes are to make a long list of complaints, or begin complaints with ‘You always… or  You never…”.  The remedy to this is to assert concerns without blame.  Simply describe how you feel about a situation and describe the situation in a factual way.  Instead of  “You never do the laundry and I’m sick of you”, say: “I feel overwhelmed and stressed about the laundry.” Then tell your partner what you need: “Can you help me with it tonight?  I will fold and you put it away.”

              Defensiveness often follows criticism creating a negative pattern of counterattack, then more defensiveness.  Being defensive means denying responsibility for a problem.  The problem with defensiveness is that it isn’t realistic.   Usually both partners add to a problem or argument, each contributing to a situation resolving or worsening.  Examples of defensiveness include not addressing the concern: “You made me mad”, or answering a complaint with another complaint “You think I’m messy… well you’re lazy”. The remedy to this is to accept some personal responsibility for at least a small part of the problem , for example: “ I guess you’re right, I let the laundry pile up.”

            Like battery acid eroding anything it contacts, contempt is the most toxic behavior in a relationship.  It needs to be eliminated if it is happening.  A contemptuous statement implies you are superior to your partner.    Examples are putting your partner down through insults or name calling: “you idiot!”;  or talking from a higher, superior plane: “I guess if it’s to be done right, I better do it!”.  It can also be conveyed as an overall nonverbal or verbal disgust with your partner: “I can’t stand you”.  The remedy for contempt  is to create a culture of appreciation.  Look for and share what your partner is doing right, not just what they are doing wrong.  Consciously commit to express love, respect, and pride in your partner.  Remember why you fell in love with them in the first place.   Take the time to share with your partner what you like in them.    

            These are very common negative behaviors that can improve by practicing the remedies. The more you practice,  the better it can be.

Here is a link to provide more information on John Gottman's relationship therapy model:

John Gottman's Sound Marital House Model


Respectfully, Monica