Forgiveness

by Patricia Harthun, LCPC

After the holiday season, we gather up the last of the bows and the wrappings, and find little niches for all the new presents.  Every now and then, there can be emotional baggage that is hard (and detrimental) to store away. 

“‘Tis the season?” The classic picture of the holiday season includes families and friends getting together in peace and harmony.  That happens… sometimes. At other times, old hurts get triggered and unhealthy patterns of interaction resurface.  Sadly for some, there is no interaction. When estranged from family members, the cultural focus on family togetherness highlights the divisions. 

In these cases, family relationships and friendships can be injured by misunderstandings or angry words.  An individual may feel slighted, and may “write off” the offender. Suddenly, all the positives that have occurred previously are forgotten, and all future actions are viewed through a negative lens. The hurt person may gather evidence for the conclusion they have decided on. 

There are times when abusive relationships and dysfunctional family dynamics make distance necessary for self-protection.  Creating supportive environments through friends or “adopted families” helps fill important needs for support and connection.  Even if situations require distance from family, individuals can still work internally on their wounds to create more room for forgiveness in the future or from a distance.

So how or why should we forgive?  The why is clear.  Unresolved anger and resentment eat away at our well being and intrude on our peace of mind.  The how involves taking into consideration that people are human and make mistakes.  Very often, the hurt caused by ignoring or retaliating is greater than the original injury.  We have the right to express what we would like to see change, but we lose the opportunity for change when we “write off” someone because they have wronged us.  No one is all good or all bad. Can we recognize that the missteps co-exist with the good deeds? If we can focus on the positive aspects of a person and speak up or step back temporarily when the negative creeps in, then we get the best of both worlds. We have the opportunity for improved relationships. 

The fill-in-the blank phrase “when you did _____, I felt______, next time  please_______” can provide a framework for expressing what changes you want. We do possess the capability for healing and change. If we can allow for the imperfections of the people in our lives, we can move past the hurts and enjoy the richness of the relationships around us.