Parenting From A Distance

John Andrich, LCSW

 

The word adolescence literally means “to grow up”. The end of adolescence in the early to mid-twenties is typically defined by what society associates with adult behavior and psychological maturity. One of the chief tasks of late adolescence is to develop a sense of autonomy from parents. By this time parents have been de-idealized and their role has changed, often being viewed more as advisers, guides, or friends. These changes in children demand understanding and accommodation on the part of parents.

 

However, the end of adolescence is not the end of parenting; once a parent always a parent. It is a transition into a new and challenging stage that asks: What comes next? How does parenting change?

 

One of the first adjustments parents must make is symbolically saying goodbye to one’s previous role. Educator and psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams holds that we need to accomplish a piece of mourning if we are to avoid regression and psychological rigidity. The loss of traditional influence and involvement can be difficult for some parents, especially those that are more domineering, as they experience a reversal of roles. The task for parents is to now fit more into their children’s lives, to learn what their children think is important, and to respect their plans for what needs to happen in their lives.

 

Another challenge facing parents is adjusting to their children’s competing needs to build their own lives, which takes precedence over involvement in the lives of their parents. This raises the question of obligation: do our children owe us obedience and respect despite their needs to build their own lives? Psychiatrist and physician Gordon Livingston contends that relationships based on obligation are seldom satisfactory, and that love and respect are gifts that are freely given. It’s important for parents to remember that being”demoted” does not mean being loved less.   

 

By the time you are an experienced parent you have worked yourself out of a job. But remember, good parents raise their children to leave them, and effective parenting accomplishes that in a healthy, functional manner.