Letter to Parents about Bully Free Beverly Initiative

This letter to parents is part of a packet sent to local schools this past week.  Read this and the following 2 posts to get a comprehensive idea of the "I am an Upstander" Bully Free Beverly 2013 Initiative.  Please visit our website to more resources to deal with bullying: http://beverlytherapists.com/bully.htm

"October 2013

Dear Parents,

Enclosed please find an activity your child completed at school in collaboration with our Bully Free Beverly community wide initiative.

October is Bullying Prevention Awareness Month.  Bullying is a societal problem that we wish did not exist.  However, unfortunately, it does exist in both child centered and adult environments as a way that certain individuals look to have their power needs met at someone else’s expense. 

The Bully Free Beverly Initiative was first created by the Blossom Boys, and now we (a team of therapists at Beverly Therapists) are carrying this important idea forward.  Our hope is to educate the community about the basics of bullying dynamics so when situations come up, children and adults will be able to get help.  If you have current concerns about bullying, please reach out to us – we want to help – see our contact information at the end of this letter.

With our current initiative, “I AM AN UPSTANDER”, we are also trying to create a proactive and positive awareness and response at the very roots of bullying – when it occurs.  “Upstander” is a new term that refers to a compassionate, assertive bystander who “takes a stand to help” in the face of unjust, mean behavior.  We have confidence that most bystanders in bullying situations are compassionate and want to act when unjust situations occur. We asked teachers to talk to local students about bullying and upstanding.  We hope you will also talk with your child at home.  We hope this will help your child know they can talk to you if a difficult situation presents, and that you can talk together about positive, empowered ways to help and advocate for oneself and on behalf of others. Acts of upstanding include:

·         interrupting the bully from picking on a target

·         showing kindness and friendship for the person getting picked on
·         telling adults who can and will help
·         showing respect in words and actions

We want all children to feel safe and respected.  Please emphasize to your child that if a situation looks or feels out of control or dangerous, he/she should get adult help immediately and not intervene on his/her own.  For more information on bullying and what you and your child can do in bullying situations visit www.stopbulling.gov and visit our website page at www.BeverlyTherapists.com .

We hope you and your child will help us with our goal of increasing bullying awareness and positive reminders of upstanding on the community level.  Hang the picture in a prominent place at home, as a way to remind that your home is a “BULLY FREE ZONE”.  Also, please submit a color copy, or email us a scanned image of your child’s “I AM AN UPSTANDER” picture.  With your permission, we hope to make some posters to hang around the community and to post all submissions (one a day) on our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/BullyFreeBeverly.  Please like our page, and stay connected!

Mail/drop off (simply slip through our mail slot!) submissions to:

Lisa Catania, LCSW
Beverly Therapists
10725 South Western, 2^nd Floor
Chicago, IL 60643.
Or email images saved as a .pdf, .ai, .psd or .jpeg to Beverly-therapists@comcast.net .

Include your permission to use the picture for poster and/or Facebook use, and let us know if your child would like his/her name to be included, or to be anonymous.

Thank you for your consideration in supporting this initiative. 

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”
(Margaret Mead)

With gratitude and peace,

The Bully Free Beverly Team @
Beverly Therapists
10725 South Western, 2^nd Floor
Chicago, IL  60643
Email:  Beverly-therapists@comcast.net

Lisa Catania, LCSW                                  Jennifer Lara, LCPC                                Michelle Wood, LCSW

773-719-1751                                            773-251-8016                                         773-307-8365"

Letter to Teachers about "I am an Upstander" activity

by Lisa Catania, LCSW

Here is a letter we have sent to area schools with the hope that schools/classrooms will participate in our Bully Free Beverly - Bully Prevention Month activity:  "I AM AN UPSTANDER".  Please direct your child's classroom teacher to our website, blog and facebook for resources to participate in this project.

"September 25, 2013

Dear School Administrators, Teachers and Staff,

We are writing you today to ask you to join us in a community wide initiative to boost social and personal awareness about bullying and to promote a positive culture of kindness, compassion, and action in its’ place.  We know you are already working in this capacity, and hope that we can support each other.

 

October is National Bullying Prevention Month, and the beginning of a new school year.  We felt this is a perfect time to create some community momentum to be proactive about bullying issues. 
 
Most bullying happens in environments that are outside of adult supervision, and most commonly, in cyberspace arenas of Twitter, Facebook, texting, and other new-upcoming-cyber-environments-that –we-adults-know-nothing-about.  We want to address bullying at these roots where the “bystanders” can be empowered to stop, help, tell, and support immediately when incidents are happening.  In the last few years a new term has emerged to label the bystanders who can help and rescue: “UPSTANDERS”.  According to Laura Hampton from EdNews Parent: “An upstander is a person who goes against the tide and will protect a victim from injustice.  The word is contrasted with bystander, which describes a person who does nothing to help when someone is being mistreated.  In the case of bullying this doesn’t necessarily mean a child needs to “take on the bully” in order to be an upstander.  There are other ways students can stand up for their peers who are being bullied, such as telling a teacher or parent or reaching out in friendship to the victim.”

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a common term and vision to address bullying issues between schools and in the broader community?

Our vision is for conversations about bullying - and a positive, empowered way – to happen simultaneously in classrooms and homes throughout our community.  Here’s how:  We have enclosed a simple activity to be completed at the classroom level:  create a picture under the title:  “I AM AN UPSTANDER”.  The picture can be the child’s or teen’s idea about how s/he can or has stood up in the face of wrong-doing (particularly in power-imbalanced, aggressive interactions which are the core interaction of bullying).  S/he could add at the bottom, “BULLY FREE ZONE”. 

Around this activity, you can have conversations about:

·         the dynamics of bullying;
·         what it means to be an “upstander”;
·         why can upstanding be daring?;
·         what kind of rules can your classroom have to prevent bullying?;
·         how might you notice and award upstanding behavior? (great activity – make a post-it tree and when there is a reported act of kindness, compassion, or bravery - note that with a post it comment on your tree)

To support you in this activity, we have enclosed resources in this packet/email.  (see next post for these resources)  We have included some good primers on bullying and upstanding, and web-based resources for classroom aids.  Please access our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/BullyFreeBeverly or our webpage at www.BeverlyTherapists.com for more information and easy access to quality resources.

After you complete this activity, please hang the children’s posters around the school.  Please send the pictures home with the child with the enclosed note from us attached to it; ask your students to discuss the project with their family, hang the poster in their home or in a window, and to connect to our Facebook page for ongoing ideas and support.  We hope parents and children will choose to submit their child’s artwork to us.  Our vision is to create posters to hang around the community – in store windows, at the local library, at local parks.  We also would love to post children’s images daily on our Facebook page.

 We hope to have an ongoing relationship with you.  Please let us know how we can support you. Feel free to contact any of us for more information.  Please let us know about any successes or other projects you are doing to battle bullying or promote upstanding.  We will keep you informed of any other community incentives we have developed.

Thank you for your consideration, and hopefully your participation!

With gratitude and peace,

The Bully Free Beverly Team @ Beverly Therapists

Lisa Catania, LCSW            Jennifer Lara, LCPC                  Michelle Wood, LCSW

773-719-1751                      773-251-8016                           773-307-8365"

 

Resources/links to educate about bullying and UPSTANDING

Resources for Classroom activity: "I AM AN UPSTANDER"
Please visit our Bully Free Beverly Facebook page (we have only been posting since 9/2013 – please scroll through our history for videos, articles, links to valuable informative and positive resources):
https://www.facebook.com/BullyFreeBeverly

UPSTANDING “Bully Bust”

• Educators Link:  http://www.schoolclimate.org/bullybust/resources/educators
• Video Resources:    http://www.schoolclimate.org/bullybust/upstander/video-resources
• Upstanders in Action Toolkit:  http://www.schoolclimate.org/bullybust/assets/documents/upstanderKit_moderators.pdf

UPSTANDING From “The Bully Project”  http://www.thebullyproject.com/ 

• 10 ways to be an upstander: http://d3n8a8pro7vhmx.cloudfront.net/themes/51e1be8f9670a42080000002/attachments/original/1377636679/10WaystoBeanUpstander_copy.pdf?1377636679
• Empowered ByStanders: https://d3n8a8pro7vhmx.cloudfront.net/themes/51172dcc1ad07a63d6000002/attachments/original/1361485067/EmpoweringBystanders_copy.pdf?1361485067

UPSTANDING & ACTIVITY AID

• Excellent example of upstanding in action: NBC’s Dateline excerpt: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEjVsMtf1d0

BULLYING BASICS

• Dan Olweus is a foremost authority on Bullying Prevention: http://www.violencepreventionworks.org/public/bullying.page

• APA Bullying Module for Teachers:  http://www.apa.org/education/k12/bullying.aspx
• StopBulling.gov:  http://www.stopbullying.gov/what-you-can-do/educators/index.html

 
ACTIVITY AIDS

• New York Times, The Learning Network, On Bullying – Resources and Questions for Writing or Discussion (high school level?):  http://learning.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/04/05/on-bullying-resources-and-questions-for-writing-or-discussion/?_r=0
•  “In the Mix: Bullying Take a Stand” PBS series; clip: Cyberbullying tips on what to do: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHBmsLBa_QE
• PBS Kids, It’s My Life, Bullies:  http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/friends/bullies/
• Videos on bullying, gossiping, anger management: http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/video/index.html
• PACERS National Bullying Prevention Center, videos:http://www.pacer.org/bullying/video/
• YouTube – Anti-Bullying mix (view first- varying messages):
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3KsGTIeO7A&list=RD02D3KsGTIeO7A
• Younger kids site, including wepisodes: http://www.stopbullying.gov/kids/index.html

Bully Free Beverly Initiative: ‘I Am an Upstander’

By Lisa Catania, LCSW

What has been your experience with bullying?  Do you have memories of it from the past?  Do you see it someplace in your life today?

Many people think of bullying as physical threats, harassment and even physical provoking and beating.  Bullying is also about gossiping, excluding others, judgment and social punishment. Betrayal of trust, such as someone sharing communications or texts without approval, especially in a mocking or vindictive way is another form of bullying.

There are many ways an individual can feel hurt in social situations.  The experience of inflicting pain by lauding power in insensitive and hurtful ways is at the core of bullying.  Put simply, bullying is the physical, social and/or emotional way someone exerts power over another individual, usually causing pain and fear.

The classic bullying dynamic includes the target or victim (usually an individual who has been isolated), the perpetrators (an individual or group), and the bystanders (individuals who are aware of wrongdoing but who are scared to or don’t know how to intervene). 

Recently, a new term has been coined by bully prevention advocates:  “the upstander.” 

“An upstander is a person who goes against the tide and will protect a victim from injustice,” said Taura Hampton from EdNews Parent. “The word is contrasted with bystander, which describes a person who does nothing to help when someone is being mistreated.  In the case of bullying this doesn’t necessarily mean a child needs to ‘take on the bully’ in order to be an upstander.  There are other ways students can stand up for their peers who are being bullied, such as telling a teacher or parent, or reaching out in friendship to the victim.”

Emphasis on the “upstander” has the potential to significantly disrupt bullying dynamics.  The vast majority of children or individuals who are bystanders actually have sympathy for the victim and will report knowing that the bullying is wrong, however they often don’t act out of fear of retribution.  When individuals become empowered to “stand up” they shift the culture that allows injustices.  Upstanders challenge the culture of fear and dominance.  When upstanding becomes the societal norm (or when many people are willing to confront bullying behavior and support the victim),

bullying will lose its tragic vise-grip.  

A team of therapists from Beverly Therapists has renewed The Blossom Boys’ initiative, “Bully Free Beverly.” The intention is to educate the community about bullying dynamics and to provide a support network for anyone affected by bullying.  October is National Bullying Prevention Month, and Beverly Therapists invites community children and teens to submit artwork to promote “upstanding.” Upstanding includes themes like “kindness is cool,” “cultivating compassion” and “20 seconds of courage.” 

Artwork will be used to create posters and banners to hang in the community to spread the idea of “upstanding.” “I AM AN UPSTANDER” will frame the top of posters, and “BULLY FREE ZONE” will frame the bottom. Please submit your images and words on white paper, and please leave some blank space on the top and bottom.  We are eager to see the originality, inspirational wisdom, and gentle strength that is out there in our community!

 Artwork should be submitted by Oct. 31 to Lisa Catania, Beverly Therapists, 10725 South Western, 2nd Floor or sent as a .pdf, .ai, .psd or .jpeg to Beverly-therapists@comcast.net .  For more information on upstanding and artwork submissions, and to be part of the “Bully Free Beverly” community, visit us at the “Bully Free Beverly” facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/BullyFreeBeverly.

Contact anyone one of us if you have questions,

BULLY FREE BEVERLY TEAM
Lisa Catania, LCSW  773.719.1751
Jennifer Lara, LCPC  773.251.8016
Michelle Wood, LCSW  773.307.8365

Gratitude for a Full Life

By: Jennifer Lara, LCPC

 

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life." ~ Melody Beattie.

Gratitude creates awareness and appreciation for what we consider good, essential, nourishing and enriching in our lives.  It is a concept often talked about yet, not often practiced. Since young we are told saying "thank you" shows appreciation to the external world.  We tend to leave gratitude in the public space not realizing its powerful effect when included in the personal space – moments of solitude when we feel connected with appreciation of things in our lives.  Studies show that a regular gratitude practice can increase our levels of happiness, energy, positive outlook, and overall well-being.

Gratitude can change perception effortlessly. Consider a moment when you are confronted by a boring task, such as washing the dishes.  Witness how your experience can change when you frame the event with a sense of gratitude: “I am grateful for the meditative quiet time in this task”. Being thankful for experiences, people, and things allows us to be present in that moment. In times where life takes a sharp turn for the unexpected, gratitude can help ground us.  When the world seems heavy and uninviting, gratitude can help refocus us to what we do have present in our lives.  When worry or doubt arise, focusing on aspects we are grateful for helps quell the anxiety.  When stress begins to overwhelm, taking a few minutes to express gratitude creates a sense of control. Cultivating gratitude enhances experiences, relationships, and positive emotions.

How to begin incorporating and practicing gratitude? Here are some ideas:

•  Start a gratitude journal and write down at least three things each day

•  Create a daily habit of reciting a gratitude prayer

•  Translate negative events with gratitude; see these as opportunities for change and growth

•  Express gratitude to both strangers and friends alike

•  Include gratitude in meditation routine

•  Establish a family gratitude ritual

•  Notice "small" everyday things to appreciate

•   Volunteer and give back

Setting Healthy Boundaries for a More Fulfilling Life

by Michelle Wood, LCSW

According to the dictionary definition, "boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for others to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside of those limits." 

Setting healthy boundaries takes time, practice and energy; however, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Healthy boundaries can lead to fulfilling relationships, a healthy sense of self esteem and increased confidence and happiness. There are many types of boundaries: emotional, social, physical and verbal. Without boundaries, our lives often become chaotic:  we are driven by others drama and we lose our sense of self.

People with healthy boundaries are able to say no and are ok when others say no them. They expect reciprocity in relationships and will not tolerate abuse or disrespect. People with healthy boundaries can identify the difference between their issues from someone else's. If you have healthy boundaries you are aware of and can communicate your own wants, needs and feelings and are comfortable communicating them in your relationships. You also share information gradually. And in a mutually trusting relationship, you are able to ask for help when you need it and you will not compromise your own values to avoid rejection.

Here are a few key steps to remember when working on setting healthy boundaries with others:


1.In order to set healthy boundaries for yourself, you must practice communicating assertively. Assertiveness is confidently expressing your opinions, wants or needs while not hurting or offending others in the process.   

2. Saying no is MORE than okay!  People will constantly test you to see what they can get away with. You set the standard for how you are treated and what you will tolerate. If you put your foot down, others will see that you respect yourself and will in turn respect you. 

If you cannot say no, some people will use you for what you can give them and you may feel taken advantage of. If you are constantly giving to others and neglecting your needs, you are telling others its ok to take from you without giving back. There has to be a give and take balance in all healthy relationships. 

3. Remember, you do not have to save anyone but yourself. If you consume yourself with the needs, feelings and choices of others, you will end up feeling exhausted, empty and neglected. You are not responsible for others happiness and fulfillment.

4. Everyone does not need to know your business! You will scare others off if you are trying to create a false sense of intimacy with others. Too much too soon can make people want to pull away from you. Also, untrustworthy people may use things against you, or feel that they know what’s best for you. Find someone you can trust to talk to about your feelings/problems who won't judge you. Remember to not to rely on others opinions more than you rely on your own.

5.When you set your boundaries or say no, expect others to have difficulty accepting this. You may experience backlash and this will take some time to get used to. It can be as uncomfortable for others to hear as it will be for you to say. They will find other ways to get their needs met and they will survive!  Do not let guilt prevent you from setting boundaries. Guilt can be a very overwhelming and powerful emotion. Some people will use guilt in order to manipulate you to put their needs first if you let them. (You and you only make the choice to allow yourself to feel guilt!)

6.Just as boundaries can be too flexible, they can also be overly rigid in order to protect oneself from being used or hurt. People with rigid boundaries often put up walls to keep others at a distance physically and emotionally which often leads to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Once you begin to move forward and practice the skill of saying no, learn to trust the right people, expect others to treat you with respect while respecting yourself and saying what you feel and need without feeling guilty, you will start to feel free, happy, whole and healthy while leaving the negativity and chaos of poor boundaries behind you

Are you worthy?

By Lisa Catania, LCSW

Do you feel worthy of good things?

Take a moment to really think about this…  Might you block believing or expecting that you are worthy of good things?  Might you believe other people are worthy of certain things, like good fortune, finding love, good health…BUT different luck or rules seem to apply to you? 

We receive so many messages throughout our lives telling us who we are and what our expectations should be…  Advertising shows us that skinny clear-complexioned people are worthy of happiness and confidence.  Girls were told for decades that kindness and being attentive to a man would bring them love and security.  Boys were told that emotional toughness and being good at sports would make them a worthwhile man.  How do you come to terms with being “acceptable and valuable” if you don’t measure up or don’t choose to measure up to perceived expectations?

And what about messages that are passed along through our families, friends and teachers?  Be friendly, be smart, don’t be needy or weak, win the trophy, be independent, don’t trust anyone, and only the competitive thrive and the strongest survive….  Expectations are often laden with an underlying message of not being “good enough”.  Inevitably even the best of us fail – what does this say about you and your worth?

Emotional wounding from abuse or neglect can deeply impact an individual’s sense of worth.  As a therapist, I often hear, “If my own parent couldn’t validate/appreciate/value/love me, how can I expect anyone else to really love me?”

The end result can be internalized messages of shortcomings and inadequacy, and believing that we are not worthy of the very things we want so much – like love, acceptance, security.  A belief of unworthiness shows up in negative self-talk, limiting beliefs, procrastination, sabotage, and even a hardening to receive when a need is being met.

Having a healthy sense of self-worth means you believe you are deserving and valuable as you are.  Worthiness is rooted in self-acceptance, self-compassion and self-love. It is an ability to see ourselves as flawed but still good; and, as suffering and worthwhile of our own compassion and love.  When you notice yourself speaking derogatorily to yourself – stop and imagine a beloved friend or child.  Practice speaking in a comforting, calm, gentle, encouraging way to yourself.

Brene Brown, PhD, a researcher and author, describes worthiness as accepting that we are “imperfect: hard wired to struggle and to fail”, but always worthy of love, security, admiration and belonging.  She proposes that when someone can remain self-loving, forgiving and understanding when they are in the midst of failure, shortcomings or shame; they can develop an openness, comfort with vulnerability, hardiness and optimism in life.

You can improve your sense of worthiness. Positive and affirming self-talk is the cornerstone of a good sense of self-worth.  When someone believes they are worthy they can say and believe this quote by Brene Brown:  “(I am) worthy of love and belonging - not if, not when – (I am) worthy of love and belonging now.  Right this minute.  As is."

 

You are worthy.  Invest and believe in you.  If you start to really love and value you, you may find love, acceptance and getting your needs met happens more readily.

 

Peace,  Lisa

 

 

Is Your Child “Camp Ready”?

 

By John Andrich, LCSW

 

Just as Cub fans continue to repeat the annual refrain “There’s always next year…”, parents city-wide annually repeat “During the idle months of summer break, what camp or specialized activities will appeal to my teen, tween, or ten year old?” Key questions plague parents trying to pre-plan their child’s summer months long before boredom sets in and June jolts them into reality. Very soon the structure of academic rigors subsides and summertime routines of hanging out with friends or “loafing” around the house necessitate a parent’s swift action. The response is often the four letter word…CAMP.

 

The starting point in the transition from school to camp begins with a conversation to determine your child’s desire, readiness, and ability to be separated from home for a week or two, or perhaps head off to a day camp experience. Asking questions and engaging in conversation will result in what is best for both parent and camper. Try the following ideas to get the process started:

 

1) Ask yourself child envisions a week away from home, and consider special interests and preferences. Involve your child in the search process.

 

2) Discuss the fact that being away from home involves a lot of independence and responsibility, and talk through any insecurities or questions. Ask your child whether they would like to attend a sleep-away camp or day camp.

 

3) Camp should reflect your values and beliefs, promote community, encourage cooperative learning, and remain engaging from start to finish.

 

Parents can be instrumental in camp selection while allowing their child ownership in the selection process. It is key that your child has options to choose from. It gives them even more responsibility when they make the choice and camp isn’t a forced issue. One of the benefits of camp is the opportunity to make long-lasting friendships, forged in fun and solidified around a campfire, mess hall, or bunk house.

 

 

 

 

On their own for what is perhaps the first time, campers are away from parental supervision and are making decisions about what to wear, what to eat, and how to spend free time. Camp engenders a meeting of diverse cultures, fosters camaraderie, self reliance, and builds social skills. Perhaps more importantly, camp provides memories that last a lifetime.

 

Following are links to day camp information in the surrounding area: http://www.chicagoparkdistrict.com/programs/day-camp/ and  www.chicagoparent.com/topic/camps‎.

 

 

 

 

Making Meaning Of Loss

By Jennifer Lara, LCPC

 

The experience of loss is one that we will all experience at some point in our lives.  The more we allow ourselves to love and invest in someone or something, the more we are bound to be effected by loss.  Loss can come in many forms - death of a loved one; loss of a close relationship; loss of capacity or ability; job transition; loss of a pet.  Loss, whether expected or unexpected, can interfere with everyday life activities.  A person’s emotional experience of loss is always unique and often painful and intense.  The feelings can be very complex, and a challenge to process. Thoughts come in that feel heavy and draining – Will this ever feel better? How do I cope with the void? Will things ever be the same?  How do I move forward and heal? 

 

Grieving is essential to heal from loss.  The emotions of loss can be so overwhelming that someone may want to avoid, numb or find a shortcut to relieve uncomfortable and painful feelings.   Loss creates a feeling of powerlessness and one might engage in unhealthy behaviors to regain control.  Or one may feel in “auto-pilot” with days passing in a fog.  Create awareness as to how you are experiencing your loss.  Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler speak of stages of grief that one experiences when processing loss:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  Keep in mind that there is no blueprint for healing, transitioning through the stages is not always a linear process, and the stages may be repeated.  Yet, it is also important to understand that honoring and processing our emotions is necessary for the healing process.  You cannot expect to simply “move on”; there is no right or wrong way to grieve. 

 

Moving forward with an intention to heal is necessary for you to feel movement towards inner peace.  Changing the meaning of the loss to one that provides hope and encouragement is beneficial to healing.  Engage in activities that focus on present and future growth.  Focus on creating meaning that changes your perception of the loss.  What meaning does this loss have in your life?  Is it possible to change your perception?                       

 

The following have been helpful for others experiencing loss:

Allow yourself time to grieve – do not set a time limit on when the process “should” end

Journal to express thoughts and emotions

Meditate

Engage in a self-care routine, including, but not limited to, taking care of your health

Honor the loss in a manner you deem best– it may be creating a visual space with picture/objects or establishing a ritual, such as lighting a candle every evening

Connect with your support system

Seek professional support

 

Though loss and grieving are truly difficult experiences, they are tributes our love, commitment and connection.  By finding ways to continue to love to offer.

Understanding and Soothing the Anxious Self

By Lisa Catania, LCSW

 

Anxiety is one of the primary reasons individuals come to counseling. Everyone deals with anxiety in some capacity.  For some it is an infrequent experience, and for others it is a lifelong companion.  For most, it tends to be an uncomfortable feeling suggesting risk in near and potentially unmanageable.  For this reason, anxiety can turn into real panic and can render a person feeling powerless.

 

Believe it or not, anxiety in its’ basic form serves a positive function, as do all emotions.  Anxiety is your sympathetic nervous system sounding an alarm that danger is present.  This creates a “flight or fight” response.  When this alarm system gets triggered, your brain creates “circuitry” to tag situational related events to give you an early warning system the next time a similar threat is present.  This is where problematic anxiety can set its’ roots – if you experience an adrenaline charged alarm while engaging in an ordinary event (like driving your car in snow), you can misperceive the benign experience as a dire threat to your safety and well-being (alas, developing a fear of driving in winter).  When you respond to these false alarms by reacting as if it is real (by flight: avoiding; or by fight: over-reacting), you can deepen your fear response and a reoccurring anxiety reaction can result.

 

Compassion and self-compassion are of primary importance as distress dominates, and sometimes shame can develop as self-criticism and a misconception of weakness can occur.  Here are some beginning ideas to help begin to “soften” the anxiety experience.

 

First, look for the beginning signs of stress or anxiety; for example: a worried thought, a quickened heart beat, or butterflies in the stomach.  Label it as what it is: the anxiety response. Begin right away with “turning down the alarm system” by practicing relaxation and calming.  Take deep belly breaths.  Use positive, reassuring, calming self-talk, such as “relax…. I can handle this”. This first step is important: when you calm yourself and self-soothe, you are activating your parasympathetic nervous system which is a “rescue” system that restores a calm physical state. In other words, you remind yourself that you can handle the experience of the moment, as well as the actual situation.

 

Anxiety-ridden moments can be ferocious, especially when they have been reinforced by avoidance or over-reaction. To be able to thwart these moments, you need to build up the “muscles” of your relaxation response.  Practicing deep breathing and relaxed feelings daily, especially when you are not triggered, will help you build and access this helpful “circuitry” when you need it most. It is also helpful to recognize and change any thoughts or beliefs related to your anxiety reaction, especially thoughts that reduce your sense of safety or control.  Instead of believing “I can’t drive in the snow”, reframe the thought: “I am scared, but can breathe into my real strengths. I can handle this”. Practice thoughts that include patience, self-compassion, forgiveness, and self-empowerment, such as “I can acknowledge my anxiety, and have compassion for my fear.  I am more than one feeling/experience.  I have real strengths I can bring to the situation.  I can ask for help, understanding, and support. I am safe.”

 

Also, develop routines of self-care to increase general health and well-being.  Exercise and healthy eating help to release pent-up energy and frustrations, and physically build up inner strength, hardiness, and self-worth.  Practices of meditation, mindfulness, and prayer help settle the mind and connect to a higher source or the bigger picture.

     

 Once you feel calmer, you can more readily access the problem-solving frontal lobe area of the brain.  At this point, you can address situations in their real form and develop a strategy plan.  Problems are more solvable or navigable if you can calm your anxiety, take things a-step-at-a-time, implement strategy plans and practice self care and self-compassion. 

Relationship Help: the Power of Appreciation

by Monica Hagerty, LCSW

Judgments and criticisms are all around us.  We make judgments about others and ourselves every day.  That is, in fact, the nature of the human ego.  As long as we are human, we will judge and be judged.

While the simple act of having a judgment or criticism about others may be inevitable, we have full control over what we do with our judgments.  We can decide to share them or we can keep them to ourselves.  Or, we can go one step further; we can look at our judgments closely and find out what they may have to say about us. 

Frequently, we assume that criticism is helpful.  It is easy to think that your partner will appreciate it if you point out their mistakes and give them suggestions on how to improve.  As a result, it can become a habit of mind to look for what others are doing wrong and to make criticisms accordingly.  However, when a person feels criticized or judged, they often make more “mistakes” and become defensive.  This negatively affects the relationship. 

Many of us know how it feels to have a boss give us “constructive criticism.” We often don’t feel better after hearing this.  In fact, we feel worse, and we often don’t want to do better next time.  It is the criticism in the statement that stings badly.  In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work, Dr. John Gottman discusses the results of his research regarding the impact negative statements or criticisms. He found there to be a 1 to 5 ratio of critical to positive statements.  That is, for each critical statement we make, we have to make five positive statements to cancel the impact of our criticism.   This is because negative words hurt more.  We can all remember the impact from a criticism we received, even one said years ago; however, we often have a harder time remembering an appreciation we received. 

Undoubtedly, there will be times when we fail to contain our judgments, times when we aren’t our best selves.  The good news is that there is a remedy for this: sharing appreciations. It is far more valuable to learn how to appreciate the things your partner does well and to ask them to do more of those things, than it is to tell them that what they are doing is wrong.

Often, we may  like the things that our partner does in the moment, but we don’t share this valuable information with them.  Your loved ones need to know what they are doing well on a daily basis.  This acknowledgment is important.  It feels good to feel appreciated and “seen” in the relationship.  Plus, sharing appreciations can also serve our own interests.  This practice causes our loved one to do the things that we like more often.  

When it comes to sharing appreciations and gratitude, here is a good rule to follow: the more specific an appreciation is, the more valuable it feels.  While it is easy to say “thanks”, the dividends from that simple expression of gratitude are relatively small.  Fortunately, very little effort is required to turn “thanks” into something more meaningful.  Next time, try giving a bit more:  “thank you for taking the dog to the vet today.  I had a very long and  stressful day and it made me feel cared for to know that you took care of this so that I could relax when I got home from work.  I really appreciate it.” 

It is important to make time every day to connect emotionally with your loved ones.  One way to do this is to create a culture of appreciation in the context of your most important relationships.  Try sharing one thing with your loved one that they have done in the last week that you appreciate. Also, if you have kids, remember to tell them something that you appreciate about them too.  

Creating a Culture of Kindness

By John Andrich, LCSW

 

A colleague told me this story: “A few months ago, a friend gleefully told me about a surprise she found on her windshield; a note with a big smiley face with the message, “You are wonderful. Thank you for being a shining unique beautiful light in the world!”  On the bottom it said, “Practice Random Acts of Kindness. Pass it on.”

When you are kind to others, it not only changes you, it changes the world. – Harold Kushner

Kindness is the virtue which gives rise to a variety of other highly valued qualities: compassion, generosity, empathy, tolerance and acceptance. The ability to consider the needs and desires of others in our interactions is central to our happiness. Psychologist and author Gordon Livingston notes that kindness reflects a belief in the basic decency of others, and so it must be balanced by the ability to recognize those who are unable or unwilling to give in return. It would appear that the capacity for kindness can be overwhelmed by our own self interests.

 

Research has shown that children do not need to be taught or trained to be kind, and acts of kindness can be observed from a very early age. Babies will often join in when they hear another baby cry, and researchers conclude that this is not an expression of distress, but rather an expression of sympathy for the crying baby. Children have been seen offering a toy to a distressed child, patting them on the head, or finding an adult to help.

 

However, by the fourth grade children have been socialized to think more about themselves than others. It is important therefore that children be actively encouraged to maintain the virtue of kindness. A recent research study at the University of California, Riverside, named Kindness Counts, revealed that performing deliberate acts of kindness made pre-teens more popular with classmates, gaining an average of 1.5 friends over the four week study period. The study showed that being kind to others benefits the giver, and earned the children in the study a greater sense of well being, increased popularity, and acceptance from their classmates.

 

To help children to become more mindful about doing acts of kindness, the concepts from the Kindness Counts study can be easily applied at home. The following four steps can help to increase happiness for children:

 

1) Plan a family activity. Create a month long activity where the entire family (including parents) record one act of kindness or one pleasant activity per day. You might call it your “Happiness Project” or “Happiness Diary”. These activities might include letting someone else go first, going out of your way for a friend, taking care of an animal, hugging someone to make them feel better, helping with dishes etc. They might include visits to places and experiences that make us feel good, like visiting relatives or going to the park.

 

2) Share what you have learned. Take time to share as a family each week. It’s not essential to share everything in one’s diary. What’s important is to share enough so that everyone learns from each other’s acts of kindness and begins to understand the kinds of experiences that bring gratitude to life. Sharing can encourage reflection and help bring meaning to our actions.

 

3) Practice, practice, practice. It may not be practical to keep up a “Happiness Diary” and share it on a consistent basis for much more than a month at a time. But is it possible to choose one month a year for this project? Are there other opportunities to strengthen and encourage kindness throughout the year?

 

4) Educate yourself about kindness. The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation website is a great place to begin.  You can learn about the importance of benefits of kindness and become inspired with activity ideas. Better yet, participate in Random Acts of Kindness Week, February 11-17, 2013. Come visit us on Facebook that week and post your inspired good deed or random act of kindness!