Let's bring down the walls that divide

By Kristine Olivas, LMFT

I lived in Germany for the first 10 years of my life and recall the German neighborhood next to our small military community divided by only a 4' chain link fence.  This served as the only separation between our vastly different cultures.  I loved walking over to the German playground and playing on their unique merry go round.  The children in that community would play with me & we shared that common language of "play" as children naturally do.

Then one day, I noticed that when the German kids came to our playground some American boys would get aggressive and chase off the German kids. Pretty soon, I was no longer welcome on the German playground. The boys continued with their mini wars until they had ceremoniously "marked" their territory as off limits.

As I look back on this, I realize how easy it is to construct walls that divide us.  Once that wall is up, it is almost a natural reaction to see each other's differences as wrong and to want to make them wrong.  It’s as if differences are wrong and anyone who is different is then wrong.  It is a natural and automatic practice to assess things and determine if it is “right or wrong”.

How often do you think we all judge someone in a day?  Fat/skinny, pretty/ugly, smart/stupid it goes on and on.  Most of us don't realize how fast we make an assessment of a new person.  How many times have we said, "She’s stuck up" only to find out later she's painfully shy. Or to think someone is an idiot and then once we get to know the person, find out they had a terrible day the day we met them.  Giving people chances to show all of who they are is very hard to do.  But the truth is that human beings are actually very complex and we all have different parts of us that come out depending on circumstances.

We all are struggling on this planet to find our way and whether you believe it or not, we all need each other.  If you took a chance today and brought your wall down, how might your life be positively influenced?  I often wonder about that playground in Kassel, Germany.  What wonderful influence we all could have shared with each other, perhaps lifelong friendships or just a truer understanding of each other's cultures.

So maybe today you can release a judgment of someone, take down your wall and see who that person actually is. And maybe someone will release their judgment of you and allow you to be imperfect and human, perhaps show you some compassion as you also make your way on this human journey.  Just a thought.  What do you think?

Creating Healthy Self-Esteem

By Jinnie English, LCSW

How others treat us is greatly influenced by the way we see ourselves. We all know people who genuinely like themselves and feel content with their lives. Because they see the positive in themselves, they are able to understand and appreciate the good in other people. They treat others with a sense of respect – a skill they know well because this is how they treat themselves. When our feelings about ourselves are positive, we show others that we like and value ourselves – and then others tend to treat us well. But when we have negative feelings about ourselves, so that we are too critical, complaining and pessimistic, others tend to take this attitude toward us as well. How we treat ourselves helps determine how others will treat us.

The thoughts we have about ourselves, or how we define ourselves, contribute to our self-image. The feelings we have about these thoughts, whether these feelings are good or bad, are the building blocks of our self-esteem. Our self-image, and gradually our self-esteem, can be molded by our parents, family, friends, physical or intellectual abilities, education, and jobs. Just as we have definitions for most things in the world, we also have definitions of ourselves. We come to define ourselves the way others define us. Thus, if others treat us with love and kindness, as if we are special and unique people, then we will eventually define ourselves in this way as well. On the other hand, if other people treat us as if we are a bother to have around and not worth much, then we will also come to see ourselves in this way.

Some people confuse healthy positive self-esteem with audacity or arrogance, a false sense of superiority over other people. True self-esteem, however, means that we do not have to assert ourselves at the expense of other people. Indeed, it is those with negative self-esteem who must resort to the tactic of exaggerating their own worth, usually by putting other people down. Those with positive self-esteem can acknowledge their own worth and also validate the positive qualities of others.

Techniques for Creating Positive Self-Esteem

• Work on Your Private Thoughts
How we feel about ourselves privately, whether these feelings are positive or negative, influences how we interpret our own actions, the decisions we make, the goals we set for ourselves, and how we relate to other people. Negative internal feelings usually lead to lower expectations and achievements, while positive definitions usually result in higher aspirations. Consider some of the following ways in which these private, internal thoughts can be modified.

• Examine your unrealistic expectations. Negative self-esteem is driven by thoughts couched in “shoulds,” “oughts,” and “musts.” These words imply that we should be something other than what we are. A more positive approach is to replace these words with “wants.” Instead of saying self-punitively, “I should be a better friend,” it may be helpful to change the thought to: “I want to be a better friend.”

• Accept the fact that history cannot be changed. We often punish ourselves endlessly for certain regrettable actions we have taken in the past – and this feeds our negative self-esteem. But we all make mistakes, and we can learn from them. In fact, the positive spin on this is that we, as fallible humans, must make mistakes in life – and perhaps we should be thankful that we have made them, for how else would we acquire wisdom and learn the route to a happier life? History cannot be undone, but we can focus on the present and future, drawing on our power to create the life we choose for ourselves.

• Reflect on the good experiences in your life. Instead of dwelling our on flaws, it is more helpful to think about what is good in our lives. Think about your successes rather than your failures. We all have life experiences that make us feel good. Define yourself in terms of these positive experiences. Nearly every negative thought can be turned into a positive. For example, if you are in a financial crisis, it’s not the end of the world – because now you can get in touch with simpler pleasures and more meaningful experiences. If a friend has rejected you, you are now free to spend your time with other friends who will treat you well.

• Set positive goals for the future. Examine your personal needs, desires, assets and abilities – and think of how you can use them to achieve the life you want for yourself. Commit yourself to having the best life you can have – without feeling that you have to achieve perfection. Make your goals realistic and achievable, and work toward them, step by step, enjoying the successes and overcoming the occasional stumbles. Draw on the positive within yourself – with an awareness of how the old negative tendencies may show themselves. Setting positive goals draws on, and reinforces, your positive self-esteem and reminds you of the power you have to set your own course.

Negative Self Talk

By Lisa Catania, LCSW

When you stop to listen to the chatter in your mind, do you find negative voices talking to you about yourself or others?  (Don’t worry, it is completely normal!)  Where do those voices come from?  Is there a way to change them?

Most of the time, unwanted internal dialogs are remnant of previous socialization or experience.  At some point, someone probably said negative things to you, modeled limiting behavior, or you picked up critical messages mistakenly believing they belonged to you.

 It may have been a well meaning parent told you that children don’t talk back to their elders (what may have been internalized: conflict or speaking up is bad).  Or, an ignorant (not knowing better) teacher told you that you were not a good artist, or couldn’t form a good argument.  Or, you may have been in a peer group that modeled gossip, and you developed an internal voice wary of who to trust and that you yourself regularly fish for drama.  Or, you may be the victim of marketing, and feel that your body is just not good enough, no matter what you do… 

You get the idea.

We are socialized from the day we are born – we are instructed as to what to believe, what to value, and whom we should be.  It is up to you as a more mature/evolved person to question your beliefs, decide what you truly believe, and to work on transforming internal messages that do not serve your present day well-being.

Once you have identified negative, self devaluing thoughts, these are some things you can do:

Stop them in their tracks.  Observe your thought.  You have a choice: is this something you really believe?  If not, stop and force yourself to repeat a message that you want to believe in its place.  (You are working on interrupting neuro-pathway practiced thought patterns, and redirecting yourself to adopt and practice a new neuro-pathway.)  Example – Stop the thought:  “I am awful at public speaking!”  Replace it with: “It’s okay to feel nervous, and I know I have something valuable to present on this topic.  I will be fine, and possibly even good!”   

Develop new affirmative statements.  Ex:  “I am calm, I am competent, I have something important to offer.”

Practice these as much as possible in your daily thoughts.  Act as if you believe the thought, even if it feels awkward at first.  Just like learning a new motor skill, practice strengthens a mind set, or new neuro-pathway construct.

Develop a warm wise nurturing voice inside of you, that speaks to you from the voice of a true best friend.  Be patient, be forgiving, be gentle, be corrective, and be supportive to yourself.  It may help to think about what you would tell a best friend or your child in a moment of struggle, and give that to yourself.  Or, when you watch a movie and you see a character saying just the right thing to another character, practice having that character in you, coaching you.

In essence, when you learn to challenge and to create an internal dialog that is more authentic to your core self, you adopt and take responsibility for yourself in a very powerful way. And, learning to be kind and loving to yourself helps you to ultimately give love and kindness to others in a richer and more genuine form.

Peace,  Lisa

Protect your child from cyberbullying

By Michelle Bashton, LSW

I recently went to a workshop for parents and mental health providers about bullying. The workshop focused on cyberbullying mostly, which is a relatively new phenomenon that has only been researched for the last ten years or so. In fact, cyberbullying is so new that it’s still quite a foreign concept to me, and I’m in my late 20s. It makes you nostalgic to think about the days where bullying stopped as soon as you stepped inside your house. For kids who are bullied today, they’re not safe anywhere. As the law is slowly catching up to technology, the Illinois legislation finally passed a law in 2010 which held schools responsible for bullying intervention, not only on school grounds, but in cases of internet bullying as well. See Illinois State Laws regarding bullying here - Illinois Bullying Laws. Below I’ve listed some great tips for cyberbullying prevention based on findings from the Cyberbullying Research Center.

5 Preventative Cyberbullying Tips for Parents:

1.   Explain to your child that cyberspace IS the real world. The same rules apply for interacting with people on the internet as in real life. Writing a mean comment on someone’s page hurts the same as shouting the comment in a room full of people.

2.  Educate your child. Your child may not be aware of some of the consequences of technology misuse, regardless of how obvious you might think it is. It’s hard to get rid of certain things on the internet once they are there. Misuse could lead to ruining their reputation, getting in trouble at school, getting prosecuted by the law, or even leading to another student’s injury or death.

3.   Monitor your child’s online activities.  This can be either active participation in online activities or through software, however the Cyberbullying Research Center warns:

“Use discretion when covertly spying on your kids. This could cause more harm than good if your child feels their privacy has been violated. They may go completely underground with their online behaviors and deliberately work to hide their actions from you.”

4.   Look for warning signs. Warning signs are displayed both the perpetrators and the victims. Is your child becoming withdrawn? Is there internet usage obsessive?

5.   Maintain an open line of communication with your child.  Actively listen to your child, refrain from making overly judgmental remarks or immediately going into advice-mode. Also, let it be known that you are going to be an adult that will “intervene rationally and not make it the situation worse.”

Additional links and resources:

I-SAFE

NCPC - Cyberbullying

Stop Bullying Now

Dreams - Part 2

By Lisa Catania, LCSW

In reading Oprah’s August 2011 “O” magazine, I chanced upon an article which referenced dreams.  In “The Science of Intuition”, Annie Murphy Paul quotes psychology professor Rebecca Spencer :

“REM sleep is good for problem solving and decision making because your brain is putting pieces together and trying out new alternatives….you gain insights that wouldn’t occur to you when you’re awake.”  REM also activates the emotion area of the brain, so “things that are most important to you on a gut level are prioritized”.

Though this statement is not as poetic as Dr. Estes, similar knowledge is being communicated:  we can gain guidance from an inner source of wisdom while we sleep.

Since my conference with Dr. Estes, I have been recording some of my dreams.  I recently had a dream that seemed so bizarre and dark, that previously I would have discarded it.  Now, I feel quite excited by the creativity of my “Dream Maker” who, in her dark images, whispers messages of encouragement.

In my dream, I was down the street from my childhood home.  There were zombies invading the streets, and I was in a car looking to escape and to help others escape.  As zombies blocked the street, the driver of the car rolled down the window.  He had a knife in his hands, and to my surprise, he simply handed it to the zombie.  The zombie swallowed it down, and did the same with the next knife as well.  With this, I had a realization that the zombies wished to die.  As it is in dreams, suddenly I was the driver facing ambivalence and the questioning my courage to drive through the zombies to get to my home.  Then I awoke.

Using Dr. Este’s formula, here is my dream retold:  I was entering a passageway leading to a place of safety and love.  The restless undead  invaded my passageway.  I had a strong, solid protection that could get me to the next place and the one in charge handed the undead an item which could slice through and kill, finalize, release…  The undead wanted to be dead and released.  I realized I needed to deal with my ambivalence to move through  that which no longer served me.  If I did, my path to secure my protected, core place would be cleared.

With the help of this method to analyze my dreams, I felt empowered in my conscious state to believe that I could let old, unhelpful patterns die and that I could trust change and myself.

Pretty cool stuff.

Peace, Lisa

How do you make sense of dreams?

by Lisa Catania, LCSW


I recently had the delightful honor of attending a 5 day intensive conference with Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes.  She is a renown Jungian psychoanalyst, master storyteller and the author of the classic bestseller, Women Who Run with the Wolves.  For me, it was like going to hang out with a rock star - only better....like sitting at the feet of grandmother moon whispering her secrets, culled from watching us and the bigger world, faithfully night after night...


As part of the intensive, we explored dream analysis. Dr. Estes talks poetically about the "Dream Maker" who answers questions we ask in the form of riddles, or like "a letter from home, baked into a pie".  She spoke about each individual's unique spark or soul, which arrives on earth with the gift of a body and a spirit (or "genius" or "angel" which might be known as intuition or instinct).  Through human experience, she says, the body and spirit can become bruised or injured.  Yet, the soul, which predates and transcends our life on earth, can never by harmed.  She teaches that our soul has a purpose in our body's lifetime, but the understanding of this is in a different realm of conception than the language and understanding which our conscious mind can express.  So, the "Riddle Mother" nurtures and guides us, communicating through our unconscious, using symbols and the vehicle of our dreams.


Our unconscious is pure, non-judging, and - simply as a conduit - records everything.  As we venture through our everyday life, our conscious mind skims everything in our environment and edits information to support us with whatever task is at hand.  However, our unconscious mind notices everything and records nuances which hold some thing of value....and the next thing you know, some small detail shows up in our dreams - underlined and highlighted.  We often wonder what the message is.... in a tapestry of images, concepts, and messages that the Dream Maker weaves just for us each night...


Dr. Estes gives a very simple formula to begin to explore and understand the messages of the Dream Maker.  Keep a dream journal next to your bed, and express the wish to remember your dreams.  (This builds a new pattern and new neuro-pathways.)  When you awake, record your dream right away, before any gross motor movements or thoughts of morning tasks.  (She says that you may find over time that you can remember up to 5-7 dreams in a night - which research has found to be the average....and that they will start appearing like a chain of elephants each holding the tail of the one that comes before...(Don't you just love her imagery?!))


When you are ready to analyze, you identify all the nouns in the story of your dream.  You take them one by one and write down what they symbolize to you (your individual connotations are the most important interpretation, though you can also research what an object has symbolized over time and over cultures).  After you have done this for all the nouns, you retell your dream, but this time you substitute in the meanings they hold for you.  You can ask in reflection, "where in my life am I experiencing this right now?"  or  "where in my life ought I be experiencing this right now?"  You honor that interpretation, and stitch it in, as your own weaver of your life story.  If you made the wrong interpretation, reassures Dr. Estes, your unconscious or your Dream Maker will correct it.  Keep listening!


I hope I have you thinking, imagining and day dreaming....  Tune into the next post and I'll share a dream or two and my journey of processing it... 


And more than anything I wish you sweet, rich, interesting, even seemingly bizarre dreams, that enrich and inform your journey....


Peace,  Lisa

Do you see these negative patterns in your relationship?

By Monica Hagerty, LCSW


As a local marriage and family therapist, I want to share what I see as three common negative behaviors:  criticism, defensiveness, and contempt.   These are the same things Dr. John Gottman found in his research.  If these negative behaviors are prevalent they predict a decline in relationship satisfaction.  Each has a remedy, so if you find you have any of these, things can improve.

            Criticism is a very common negative behavior.  Criticism means to make a complaint, but to add blame suggesting the problem is a character defect in our partner.  This type of complaining presents as a global attack on their personality. The exclamation “What is wrong with you?!” implies the issue being confronted is entirely the fault of the other person.  Other mistakes are to make a long list of complaints, or begin complaints with ‘You always… or  You never…”.  The remedy to this is to assert concerns without blame.  Simply describe how you feel about a situation and describe the situation in a factual way.  Instead of  “You never do the laundry and I’m sick of you”, say: “I feel overwhelmed and stressed about the laundry.” Then tell your partner what you need: “Can you help me with it tonight?  I will fold and you put it away.”

              Defensiveness often follows criticism creating a negative pattern of counterattack, then more defensiveness.  Being defensive means denying responsibility for a problem.  The problem with defensiveness is that it isn’t realistic.   Usually both partners add to a problem or argument, each contributing to a situation resolving or worsening.  Examples of defensiveness include not addressing the concern: “You made me mad”, or answering a complaint with another complaint “You think I’m messy… well you’re lazy”. The remedy to this is to accept some personal responsibility for at least a small part of the problem , for example: “ I guess you’re right, I let the laundry pile up.”

            Like battery acid eroding anything it contacts, contempt is the most toxic behavior in a relationship.  It needs to be eliminated if it is happening.  A contemptuous statement implies you are superior to your partner.    Examples are putting your partner down through insults or name calling: “you idiot!”;  or talking from a higher, superior plane: “I guess if it’s to be done right, I better do it!”.  It can also be conveyed as an overall nonverbal or verbal disgust with your partner: “I can’t stand you”.  The remedy for contempt  is to create a culture of appreciation.  Look for and share what your partner is doing right, not just what they are doing wrong.  Consciously commit to express love, respect, and pride in your partner.  Remember why you fell in love with them in the first place.   Take the time to share with your partner what you like in them.    

            These are very common negative behaviors that can improve by practicing the remedies. The more you practice,  the better it can be.

Here is a link to provide more information on John Gottman's relationship therapy model:

John Gottman's Sound Marital House Model


Respectfully, Monica

About Bullying

by Lisa Catania, LCSW


When I was a child, I remember intuiting the social order present in my grade school.  There were the cool, popular kids – they seemed graced in some way – good hair, gregarious smile, athletic ability, most recent fashion…   There were the nerds – they seemed cursed in some way – physically awkward, odd fashion, insecure…  I knew I couldn’t infiltrate the cool clique.  When I naively tried, I was told I was “annoying”.  And I knew I didn’t want to be a nerd, they were ignored and worse yet, the object of jokes and taunting.  For survival, I decided to melt into the background and not garnish too much attention and wait for high school where I could start anew.  (High school was only slightly better because there were more kids to identify with and more places to hide.  But, the social order ranking was omnipresent and even more competitive.)


I  wish now that I could have that time to do over again, but with the perspective and security in myself that I am constantly growing into.  I would want to befriend “the nerds” who I feel I have more in common with – sensitivity, social awkwardness, uniqueness, a lack of fashion sense.  However, I think I might still shy away from popular social acceptance, the sting of rejection and the perceived  work to maintain conformity still leaves me with uncomfortable feelings. 


As I work now as a therapist with children who experience the continuum of this dynamic, whether they are being bullied, feel left out, or struggling with what concessions they need to make to fit in, I sympathize greatly with their daily experience.   For these children, it is hard to re-enter the same situation day after day where you have to face social bruising, or worse yet, outright verbal, emotional, or physical violence. Children tend to face bullying during the unstructured, unsupervised moments of the day when any hope for caring adult intervention is lacking.  At these times children fall back on whatever resources they have, whether it be crying, retaliating, shrinking away, assertiveness….  They are the assigned victims in someone else’s script, and whatever response they give, it will be used against them.  The bottom line is that even if they have had a loving parent or a caring therapist coach them, in this moment they are very alone and most likely feel deeply shamed and inadequate.


The current literature in bullying stresses that bullying is a social phenomenon.  A person who bullies looks to secure his or her social status in some way.  A bully often scores low on emotional empathy ratings, and does not mind if they feel powerful at the expense of someone else’s pain or fear.  Besides aggressive actions, bullying does take the form of repeated social isolation, disregard, and gossiping/perpetuating rumors.  These are all ways  “the bully”can feel more secure in their social standing/regard.  (“Bullies” need strong messages from both disciplining adults and their peer group that this way of meeting their needs in unacceptable and intolerable.)


It is interesting that when these dynamics are talked about openly and in depth,  most children in the social setting feel a sense of sympathy for a child who gets bullied or rejected, and have some sense that what is happening is morally wrong.  However, it can feel too risky to stand up for the victim because of the possibility of retaliation or slipping in the social order. 


Indeed, the key to succeed in fighting bullying is two-fold:

1)  To teach all the children in the group (the bystanders) skills of empathy and action.  Parents and teachers should feel reassured that whenever they model or take the time to listen and validate a child's perspective and underlying feelings, they are nurturing empathy and confidence.  Empathy is reinforced by any opportunity to imagine what it would be like to be in someone else's shoes.  The ability to take a stand is learned by modeling, storytelling, and garnishing a lot of praise when someone shows this initiative (even if you ultimately have a different perspective). 
And, 2)  To let children know that involved adults will respond and judiciously discipline, providing victims with safety and support.


As community members, we can all stand behind the Blossom Boys initiative to help create a “Bully Free Beverly”.  We are the bystanders, even when we are not directly witnessing an act of bullying.  A good place to start is to think of your own experiences in your life when you have experienced the roles of the bully, the victim and the bystander.  Make a commitment to show  empathy and to take a stand.  Together we can make a powerful difference and maybe feel more at ease with simply being ourselves, whether an adult, child, socially gifted or a sensitive soul (or any combination of all of the above).

Peace,  Lisa

Dan Olweus has developed an effective comprehensive Bullying Prevention Program based on extensive research. This link describes the dynamics of bullying:
What is bullying?
The American Psychological Association has a very good primer on bullying for teachers and anyone wanting a more in-depth understanding of bullying:
Bullying: A Module for Teachers 

Lisa Madigan's site: Stop Cyberbullying

David Kessler, an authority on grief, writes a poignant and thoughtful article on how we can grieve and learn from the suicide of a child due to bullying:
The Grief of Bullycide

 



Here is a powerful, yet simple, video that is set to music and made by students.  Take a few minutes and watch: 

Starting therapy - the first step

by Lisa Catania, LCSW


When I first meet a new client, I often reflect on how brave they are to make the step into the therapist office.


Some people come into therapy because they see it as a spa-like experience.  They sink into the chair and enjoy expressing, exploring, feeling heard and finding a new perspective. However, most people come into therapy because they are in a place of crisis, often pain, and therapy is their last resort.  To let yourself be vulnerable with a stranger is hard, but overcoming stigma can make it even harder.


Many comment that they thought of seeking help sooner, but saw therapy as a sign of weakness, failure, or lack of faith.  Often they see themselves as failing since they have not been able to solve whatever the issue is on their own.  People also comment that they fear that after they start talking, that the therapist will assign them multiple diagnoses, and they will feel worse than when they came in!  Add to this, many of us have heard disparaging or dismissive comments about emotional concerns throughout our lives, such as: "What's wrong with you?!! You must be nuts!" or "just let it go, you're being a downer".  And some of us have seen less than reassuring TV depictions of therapy, like the Simpsons' episode where they go for family therapy and have buttons to electric shock each other (funny? well, yes.... but realistic? no!!).


I always see a strength and a fortitude in the person who walks over that threshold of fear and humility.  It takes a hidden strength to ask for help and to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  Asking for help is the first step in a journey that desires and invites change for the better.


What I find is that when clients find a therapist whom they can trust, feel comfortable with, and feel a sense of hope in the therapist's expertise, that they transform into that client that sinks into the chair, opens up and begins to see the possibilities of how they can change.


Peace,  Lisa