By Monica Hagerty, LCSW
As a local marriage and family therapist, I want to share what I see as three common negative behaviors: criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. These are the same things Dr. John Gottman found in his research. If these negative behaviors are prevalent they predict a decline in relationship satisfaction. Each has a remedy, so if you find you have any of these, things can improve.
As a local marriage and family therapist, I want to share what I see as three common negative behaviors: criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. These are the same things Dr. John Gottman found in his research. If these negative behaviors are prevalent they predict a decline in relationship satisfaction. Each has a remedy, so if you find you have any of these, things can improve.
Criticism is a very common negative behavior. Criticism means to make a complaint, but to add blame suggesting the problem is a character defect in our partner. This type of complaining presents as a global attack on their personality. The exclamation “What is wrong with you?!” implies the issue being confronted is entirely the fault of the other person. Other mistakes are to make a long list of complaints, or begin complaints with ‘You always… or You never…”. The remedy to this is to assert concerns without blame. Simply describe how you feel about a situation and describe the situation in a factual way. Instead of “You never do the laundry and I’m sick of you”, say: “I feel overwhelmed and stressed about the laundry.” Then tell your partner what you need: “Can you help me with it tonight? I will fold and you put it away.”
Defensiveness often follows criticism creating a negative pattern of counterattack, then more defensiveness. Being defensive means denying responsibility for a problem. The problem with defensiveness is that it isn’t realistic. Usually both partners add to a problem or argument, each contributing to a situation resolving or worsening. Examples of defensiveness include not addressing the concern: “You made me mad”, or answering a complaint with another complaint “You think I’m messy… well you’re lazy”. The remedy to this is to accept some personal responsibility for at least a small part of the problem , for example: “ I guess you’re right, I let the laundry pile up.”
Like battery acid eroding anything it contacts, contempt is the most toxic behavior in a relationship. It needs to be eliminated if it is happening. A contemptuous statement implies you are superior to your partner. Examples are putting your partner down through insults or name calling: “you idiot!”; or talking from a higher, superior plane: “I guess if it’s to be done right, I better do it!”. It can also be conveyed as an overall nonverbal or verbal disgust with your partner: “I can’t stand you”. The remedy for contempt is to create a culture of appreciation. Look for and share what your partner is doing right, not just what they are doing wrong. Consciously commit to express love, respect, and pride in your partner. Remember why you fell in love with them in the first place. Take the time to share with your partner what you like in them.
These are very common negative behaviors that can improve by practicing the remedies. The more you practice, the better it can be.
Here is a link to provide more information on John Gottman's relationship therapy model:
John Gottman's Sound Marital House ModelRespectfully, Monica
