Parenting From A Distance

John Andrich, LCSW

 

The word adolescence literally means “to grow up”. The end of adolescence in the early to mid-twenties is typically defined by what society associates with adult behavior and psychological maturity. One of the chief tasks of late adolescence is to develop a sense of autonomy from parents. By this time parents have been de-idealized and their role has changed, often being viewed more as advisers, guides, or friends. These changes in children demand understanding and accommodation on the part of parents.

 

However, the end of adolescence is not the end of parenting; once a parent always a parent. It is a transition into a new and challenging stage that asks: What comes next? How does parenting change?

 

One of the first adjustments parents must make is symbolically saying goodbye to one’s previous role. Educator and psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams holds that we need to accomplish a piece of mourning if we are to avoid regression and psychological rigidity. The loss of traditional influence and involvement can be difficult for some parents, especially those that are more domineering, as they experience a reversal of roles. The task for parents is to now fit more into their children’s lives, to learn what their children think is important, and to respect their plans for what needs to happen in their lives.

 

Another challenge facing parents is adjusting to their children’s competing needs to build their own lives, which takes precedence over involvement in the lives of their parents. This raises the question of obligation: do our children owe us obedience and respect despite their needs to build their own lives? Psychiatrist and physician Gordon Livingston contends that relationships based on obligation are seldom satisfactory, and that love and respect are gifts that are freely given. It’s important for parents to remember that being”demoted” does not mean being loved less.   

 

By the time you are an experienced parent you have worked yourself out of a job. But remember, good parents raise their children to leave them, and effective parenting accomplishes that in a healthy, functional manner.  

How To Talk With Children About Violence

John Andrich, LCSW

 

We live in a time in which random acts of violence have become a pervasive aspect of American society, begging the question: “How do we speak to our children about violence?” How can we reassure our children, perhaps help them make sense out of senseless acts of violence, when we as adults struggle to understand how these things can happen? How can we help them feel less anxious and safe in their own surroundings? In our role as parents it’s natural to feel the need to protect our children from the ills of society, but talking to our children about violence is a vital responsibility as parents. 

 

Following are some guidelines: Be proactive and direct. While are children are receiving information and processing it, they may not be able to make sense of it and may hesitate to ask their parents to talk about it. Speaking with our children directly about the issue can serve to relieve anxiety and distress as children receive their sense of safety from the adults in their lives, particularly their parents.

 

Give your child the space to express their feelings and reactions. What they have to say is important, so allow them to express their concerns in their own words and to guide the direction of the conversation. Parents can then clarify and reflect back their child’s comments, summarizing and making sure they understand their concerns. Parents should also be aware of nonverbal cues like facial expressions, tone of voice, or fidgeting. Take your child’s concerns seriously and make this conversation about hearing their thoughts and feelings.

 

Express your thoughts and feeling about violence with your child. How we act and talk as parents can have a direct emotional impact on our children, and it’s important to communicate to them how we feel about violence. Of course this means that we need to know where we stand on the issue. It’s important to be aware of our own feelings on the issue, and avoid influencing your child with your own anxiety. Remember, how you say something may carry as much weight as what you say. Be clear, simple, and direct in what you say, remembering to adapt what you say according to the age of your child.   

 

Speaking proactively with your child about violence can help relieve their worries and fears and help them to feel empowered. As parents, it’s an opportunity to share our values, guide their sense of right and wrong, and enhance our relationship with our child.