Forgiveness

by Patricia Harthun, LCPC

After the holiday season, we gather up the last of the bows and the wrappings, and find little niches for all the new presents.  Every now and then, there can be emotional baggage that is hard (and detrimental) to store away. 

“‘Tis the season?” The classic picture of the holiday season includes families and friends getting together in peace and harmony.  That happens… sometimes. At other times, old hurts get triggered and unhealthy patterns of interaction resurface.  Sadly for some, there is no interaction. When estranged from family members, the cultural focus on family togetherness highlights the divisions. 

In these cases, family relationships and friendships can be injured by misunderstandings or angry words.  An individual may feel slighted, and may “write off” the offender. Suddenly, all the positives that have occurred previously are forgotten, and all future actions are viewed through a negative lens. The hurt person may gather evidence for the conclusion they have decided on. 

There are times when abusive relationships and dysfunctional family dynamics make distance necessary for self-protection.  Creating supportive environments through friends or “adopted families” helps fill important needs for support and connection.  Even if situations require distance from family, individuals can still work internally on their wounds to create more room for forgiveness in the future or from a distance.

So how or why should we forgive?  The why is clear.  Unresolved anger and resentment eat away at our well being and intrude on our peace of mind.  The how involves taking into consideration that people are human and make mistakes.  Very often, the hurt caused by ignoring or retaliating is greater than the original injury.  We have the right to express what we would like to see change, but we lose the opportunity for change when we “write off” someone because they have wronged us.  No one is all good or all bad. Can we recognize that the missteps co-exist with the good deeds? If we can focus on the positive aspects of a person and speak up or step back temporarily when the negative creeps in, then we get the best of both worlds. We have the opportunity for improved relationships. 

The fill-in-the blank phrase “when you did _____, I felt______, next time  please_______” can provide a framework for expressing what changes you want. We do possess the capability for healing and change. If we can allow for the imperfections of the people in our lives, we can move past the hurts and enjoy the richness of the relationships around us.

Coping with the holidays

by Lisa Catania, LCSW

 

As we all prepare for what the holiday season means for us, it is important to remember that one size doesn’t fit all.  We are barraged by constant ads showing excitement, festivities, and gift-giving.  Whether we realize it or not, advertising is trying to ramp us up to feel something that will motivate us to try to create the advertiser’s pictures in our own lives.

 For some, this is motivating and inspirational.  For others, they are warmed by happy memories and look forward to the current holidays as a chance to feel that same “warm blanket of happy traditions”.  For others, there is a sadness and disconnect as their life doesn’t look like the images portrayed.  Recent or past losses can come to the surface, and cause real pain.   And still for others, the expectations stack high and stress mounts as the holiday season becomes about “more” and endless lists and the need to be everything to everyone.

The holidays are a time of increased stress, no matter if they are filled with happy anticipation or with concern.  At particular risk for stress are individuals who are: coping with the loss of a loved one, experiencing family problems that create divisions/separation, far away from home, and caregivers.  If you find yourself in one of these groups, take extra care to be kind, patient and caring with yourself.  Engage in stress reducing exercises such as physical exercise, talking to someone, and/or meditative activities such as mediation, yoga, or prayer.  Find sources or affirmation and support, starting with loving self-statements for yourself.

Here is a holiday “coping guide” for all of us, with the hope that you can honor “wherever you are” and make this holiday season meaningful to you:

Use your feelings as a barometer to measure pressure inside and around you.  Acknowledge how you feel, and make adjustments.

Love yourself as much as you love others.

Talk to someone who is trust-worthy.  Be real, especially if you are hurting.

Release the belief that there is such a thing as “perfect”.

Look for things to “feel right” and authentic for you.  Look for things to be “good enough”.

Remember the importance of what this season means to you.  Honor that in your actions.

Love and connection are some of the most powerful gifts we are capable of giving.

Balance taking care of yourself with taking care of others.

Realize you are enough.

Know your boundaries and limits.  Practice saying no.  Practice saying yes. 

Ask for help when you need it.

Remember to breathe.  Breathe deeply into your core and say to yourself, “Relax”.  Breathe out slowly and say to yourself, “Let Go”.

Hold onto whatever feeds your soul.

Practice gratitude.

Practice faith.

Practice tolerance and acceptance of those who feel and think differently than you.

Enjoy moments. 

And laugh as often as you can.

Make this list your own, adding on whatever inspires or grounds you!

 Last, but not least, remember to reach out to someone who seems vulnerable this holiday season.  It’s the best medicine for the soul.  As the Dalai Lama says, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” 

Wishing you peace,  Lisa

You are worthy of love and belonging. As is.

Deepok Chopra says that every feeling has a physical molecular presentation in our body, throughout our body.  Feelings of depression, anger, anxiety can mount into illness that effect the body, mind and spirit.

Conversely, feelings such as tranquility create the equivalent of valium, and exhileration creates the equivalent of powerful anti-cancer molecules in abundance. 

We have the powerful ability to effect our health through our feelings.  Try the above quote as an affirmation.  Allow yourself to feel the feelings of love, acceptance, well-being.  Imagine a beautiful white light radiating around you, and inside you.  Practice this as often as possible.

Below are some links to Brene Brown's inspirational TED talks on understanding and healing shame.  Spoiler alert - vulnerability and acceptance of yourself are key to the experience!

I think everyone should see these:

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

Brene Brown: Listening to Shame

Peace,  Lisa Catania, LCSW

About insurance companies benefits

Someone recently emailed and asked about how to understand insurance benefits, and what to expect to pay.  This is a very common question, so I thought I'd post my response:

Each insurance policy is different.  Usually you will get better benefits if you see someone in-network, however some out-of-network benefits are quite good especially if you have met your deductible.  Some insurance companies manage mental health benefits, and may require your therapist to provide clinical information after they have seen you. You can call your insurance company and ask them to tell you about your outpatient mental health benefits. 

 

Your insurance company should provide this information for both your in-network and out-of-network benefits:

deductible (and what amount has been met, year to date),

 

copayment or coinsurance amount per session,

 

limit in number of sessions per year (if you work for a company that has more than 50 employees you should have unlimited sessions per the Mental Health Parity Act), and

 

whether they cover the modality (individual, family, couple {frequently not covered}, or group) of therapy you are seeking.

 

Once you have this information, you can talk with a therapist and they should be able to help you anticipate what your session fee would be.

 

Hope this helps - feel free to ask other questions in the comments section, or call me if you have more questions.

 

Peace, Lisa Catania, LCSW
773-719-1751

Parenting From A Distance

John Andrich, LCSW

 

The word adolescence literally means “to grow up”. The end of adolescence in the early to mid-twenties is typically defined by what society associates with adult behavior and psychological maturity. One of the chief tasks of late adolescence is to develop a sense of autonomy from parents. By this time parents have been de-idealized and their role has changed, often being viewed more as advisers, guides, or friends. These changes in children demand understanding and accommodation on the part of parents.

 

However, the end of adolescence is not the end of parenting; once a parent always a parent. It is a transition into a new and challenging stage that asks: What comes next? How does parenting change?

 

One of the first adjustments parents must make is symbolically saying goodbye to one’s previous role. Educator and psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams holds that we need to accomplish a piece of mourning if we are to avoid regression and psychological rigidity. The loss of traditional influence and involvement can be difficult for some parents, especially those that are more domineering, as they experience a reversal of roles. The task for parents is to now fit more into their children’s lives, to learn what their children think is important, and to respect their plans for what needs to happen in their lives.

 

Another challenge facing parents is adjusting to their children’s competing needs to build their own lives, which takes precedence over involvement in the lives of their parents. This raises the question of obligation: do our children owe us obedience and respect despite their needs to build their own lives? Psychiatrist and physician Gordon Livingston contends that relationships based on obligation are seldom satisfactory, and that love and respect are gifts that are freely given. It’s important for parents to remember that being”demoted” does not mean being loved less.   

 

By the time you are an experienced parent you have worked yourself out of a job. But remember, good parents raise their children to leave them, and effective parenting accomplishes that in a healthy, functional manner.  

How To Talk With Children About Violence

John Andrich, LCSW

 

We live in a time in which random acts of violence have become a pervasive aspect of American society, begging the question: “How do we speak to our children about violence?” How can we reassure our children, perhaps help them make sense out of senseless acts of violence, when we as adults struggle to understand how these things can happen? How can we help them feel less anxious and safe in their own surroundings? In our role as parents it’s natural to feel the need to protect our children from the ills of society, but talking to our children about violence is a vital responsibility as parents. 

 

Following are some guidelines: Be proactive and direct. While are children are receiving information and processing it, they may not be able to make sense of it and may hesitate to ask their parents to talk about it. Speaking with our children directly about the issue can serve to relieve anxiety and distress as children receive their sense of safety from the adults in their lives, particularly their parents.

 

Give your child the space to express their feelings and reactions. What they have to say is important, so allow them to express their concerns in their own words and to guide the direction of the conversation. Parents can then clarify and reflect back their child’s comments, summarizing and making sure they understand their concerns. Parents should also be aware of nonverbal cues like facial expressions, tone of voice, or fidgeting. Take your child’s concerns seriously and make this conversation about hearing their thoughts and feelings.

 

Express your thoughts and feeling about violence with your child. How we act and talk as parents can have a direct emotional impact on our children, and it’s important to communicate to them how we feel about violence. Of course this means that we need to know where we stand on the issue. It’s important to be aware of our own feelings on the issue, and avoid influencing your child with your own anxiety. Remember, how you say something may carry as much weight as what you say. Be clear, simple, and direct in what you say, remembering to adapt what you say according to the age of your child.   

 

Speaking proactively with your child about violence can help relieve their worries and fears and help them to feel empowered. As parents, it’s an opportunity to share our values, guide their sense of right and wrong, and enhance our relationship with our child.