by Lisa Catania, LCSW
When I was a child, I remember intuiting the social order present in my grade school. There were the cool, popular kids – they seemed graced in some way – good hair, gregarious smile, athletic ability, most recent fashion… There were the nerds – they seemed cursed in some way – physically awkward, odd fashion, insecure… I knew I couldn’t infiltrate the cool clique. When I naively tried, I was told I was “annoying”. And I knew I didn’t want to be a nerd, they were ignored and worse yet, the object of jokes and taunting. For survival, I decided to melt into the background and not garnish too much attention and wait for high school where I could start anew. (High school was only slightly better because there were more kids to identify with and more places to hide. But, the social order ranking was omnipresent and even more competitive.)
I wish now that I could have that time to do over again, but with the perspective and security in myself that I am constantly growing into. I would want to befriend “the nerds” who I feel I have more in common with – sensitivity, social awkwardness, uniqueness, a lack of fashion sense. However, I think I might still shy away from popular social acceptance, the sting of rejection and the perceived work to maintain conformity still leaves me with uncomfortable feelings.
As I work now as a therapist with children who experience the continuum of this dynamic, whether they are being bullied, feel left out, or struggling with what concessions they need to make to fit in, I sympathize greatly with their daily experience. For these children, it is hard to re-enter the same situation day after day where you have to face social bruising, or worse yet, outright verbal, emotional, or physical violence. Children tend to face bullying during the unstructured, unsupervised moments of the day when any hope for caring adult intervention is lacking. At these times children fall back on whatever resources they have, whether it be crying, retaliating, shrinking away, assertiveness…. They are the assigned victims in someone else’s script, and whatever response they give, it will be used against them. The bottom line is that even if they have had a loving parent or a caring therapist coach them, in this moment they are very alone and most likely feel deeply shamed and inadequate.
The current literature in bullying stresses that bullying is a social phenomenon. A person who bullies looks to secure his or her social status in some way. A bully often scores low on emotional empathy ratings, and does not mind if they feel powerful at the expense of someone else’s pain or fear. Besides aggressive actions, bullying does take the form of repeated social isolation, disregard, and gossiping/perpetuating rumors. These are all ways “the bully”can feel more secure in their social standing/regard. (“Bullies” need strong messages from both disciplining adults and their peer group that this way of meeting their needs in unacceptable and intolerable.)
It is interesting that when these dynamics are talked about openly and in depth, most children in the social setting feel a sense of sympathy for a child who gets bullied or rejected, and have some sense that what is happening is morally wrong. However, it can feel too risky to stand up for the victim because of the possibility of retaliation or slipping in the social order.
Indeed, the key to succeed in fighting bullying is two-fold:
When I was a child, I remember intuiting the social order present in my grade school. There were the cool, popular kids – they seemed graced in some way – good hair, gregarious smile, athletic ability, most recent fashion… There were the nerds – they seemed cursed in some way – physically awkward, odd fashion, insecure… I knew I couldn’t infiltrate the cool clique. When I naively tried, I was told I was “annoying”. And I knew I didn’t want to be a nerd, they were ignored and worse yet, the object of jokes and taunting. For survival, I decided to melt into the background and not garnish too much attention and wait for high school where I could start anew. (High school was only slightly better because there were more kids to identify with and more places to hide. But, the social order ranking was omnipresent and even more competitive.)
I wish now that I could have that time to do over again, but with the perspective and security in myself that I am constantly growing into. I would want to befriend “the nerds” who I feel I have more in common with – sensitivity, social awkwardness, uniqueness, a lack of fashion sense. However, I think I might still shy away from popular social acceptance, the sting of rejection and the perceived work to maintain conformity still leaves me with uncomfortable feelings.
As I work now as a therapist with children who experience the continuum of this dynamic, whether they are being bullied, feel left out, or struggling with what concessions they need to make to fit in, I sympathize greatly with their daily experience. For these children, it is hard to re-enter the same situation day after day where you have to face social bruising, or worse yet, outright verbal, emotional, or physical violence. Children tend to face bullying during the unstructured, unsupervised moments of the day when any hope for caring adult intervention is lacking. At these times children fall back on whatever resources they have, whether it be crying, retaliating, shrinking away, assertiveness…. They are the assigned victims in someone else’s script, and whatever response they give, it will be used against them. The bottom line is that even if they have had a loving parent or a caring therapist coach them, in this moment they are very alone and most likely feel deeply shamed and inadequate.
The current literature in bullying stresses that bullying is a social phenomenon. A person who bullies looks to secure his or her social status in some way. A bully often scores low on emotional empathy ratings, and does not mind if they feel powerful at the expense of someone else’s pain or fear. Besides aggressive actions, bullying does take the form of repeated social isolation, disregard, and gossiping/perpetuating rumors. These are all ways “the bully”can feel more secure in their social standing/regard. (“Bullies” need strong messages from both disciplining adults and their peer group that this way of meeting their needs in unacceptable and intolerable.)
It is interesting that when these dynamics are talked about openly and in depth, most children in the social setting feel a sense of sympathy for a child who gets bullied or rejected, and have some sense that what is happening is morally wrong. However, it can feel too risky to stand up for the victim because of the possibility of retaliation or slipping in the social order.
Indeed, the key to succeed in fighting bullying is two-fold:
1) To teach all the children in the group (the bystanders) skills of empathy and action. Parents and teachers should feel reassured that whenever they model or take the time to listen and validate a child's perspective and underlying feelings, they are nurturing empathy and confidence. Empathy is reinforced by any opportunity to imagine what it would be like to be in someone else's shoes. The ability to take a stand is learned by modeling, storytelling, and garnishing a lot of praise when someone shows this initiative (even if you ultimately have a different perspective).
And, 2) To let children know that involved adults will respond and judiciously discipline, providing victims with safety and support.
As community members, we can all stand behind the Blossom Boys initiative to help create a “Bully Free Beverly”. We are the bystanders, even when we are not directly witnessing an act of bullying. A good place to start is to think of your own experiences in your life when you have experienced the roles of the bully, the victim and the bystander. Make a commitment to show empathy and to take a stand. Together we can make a powerful difference and maybe feel more at ease with simply being ourselves, whether an adult, child, socially gifted or a sensitive soul (or any combination of all of the above).
And, 2) To let children know that involved adults will respond and judiciously discipline, providing victims with safety and support.
As community members, we can all stand behind the Blossom Boys initiative to help create a “Bully Free Beverly”. We are the bystanders, even when we are not directly witnessing an act of bullying. A good place to start is to think of your own experiences in your life when you have experienced the roles of the bully, the victim and the bystander. Make a commitment to show empathy and to take a stand. Together we can make a powerful difference and maybe feel more at ease with simply being ourselves, whether an adult, child, socially gifted or a sensitive soul (or any combination of all of the above).
Peace, Lisa
Dan Olweus has developed an effective comprehensive Bullying Prevention Program based on extensive research. This link describes the dynamics of bullying:
What is bullying?
The American Psychological Association has a very good primer on bullying for teachers and anyone wanting a more in-depth understanding of bullying:
Bullying: A Module for Teachers
What is bullying?
The American Psychological Association has a very good primer on bullying for teachers and anyone wanting a more in-depth understanding of bullying:
Bullying: A Module for Teachers
Lisa Madigan's site: Stop Cyberbullying
David Kessler, an authority on grief, writes a poignant and thoughtful article on how we can grieve and learn from the suicide of a child due to bullying:
The Grief of Bullycide
The Grief of Bullycide
Here is a powerful, yet simple, video that is set to music and made by students. Take a few minutes and watch:
