Setting healthy boundaries takes time, practice and energy; however, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Healthy boundaries can lead to fulfilling relationships, a healthy sense of self esteem and increased confidence and happiness. There are many types of boundaries: emotional, social, physical and verbal. Without boundaries, our lives often become chaotic: we are driven by others drama and we lose our sense of self.
People with healthy boundaries are able to say no and are ok when others say no them. They expect reciprocity in relationships and will not tolerate abuse or disrespect. People with healthy boundaries can identify the difference between their issues from someone else's. If you have healthy boundaries you are aware of and can communicate your own wants, needs and feelings and are comfortable communicating them in your relationships. You also share information gradually. And in a mutually trusting relationship, you are able to ask for help when you need it and you will not compromise your own values to avoid rejection.
Here are a few key steps to remember when working on setting healthy boundaries with others:
1.In order to set healthy boundaries for yourself, you must practice communicating assertively. Assertiveness is confidently expressing your opinions, wants or needs while not hurting or offending others in the process.
2. Saying no is MORE than okay! People will constantly test you to see what they can get away with. You set the standard for how you are treated and what you will tolerate. If you put your foot down, others will see that you respect yourself and will in turn respect you.
If you cannot say no, some people will use you for what you can give them and you may feel taken advantage of. If you are constantly giving to others and neglecting your needs, you are telling others its ok to take from you without giving back. There has to be a give and take balance in all healthy relationships.
3. Remember, you do not have to save anyone but yourself. If you consume yourself with the needs, feelings and choices of others, you will end up feeling exhausted, empty and neglected. You are not responsible for others happiness and fulfillment.
4. Everyone does not need to know your business! You will scare others off if you are trying to create a false sense of intimacy with others. Too much too soon can make people want to pull away from you. Also, untrustworthy people may use things against you, or feel that they know what’s best for you. Find someone you can trust to talk to about your feelings/problems who won't judge you. Remember to not to rely on others opinions more than you rely on your own.
5.When you set your boundaries or say no, expect others to have difficulty accepting this. You may experience backlash and this will take some time to get used to. It can be as uncomfortable for others to hear as it will be for you to say. They will find other ways to get their needs met and they will survive! Do not let guilt prevent you from setting boundaries. Guilt can be a very overwhelming and powerful emotion. Some people will use guilt in order to manipulate you to put their needs first if you let them. (You and you only make the choice to allow yourself to feel guilt!)
6.Just as boundaries can be too flexible, they can also be overly rigid in order to protect oneself from being used or hurt. People with rigid boundaries often put up walls to keep others at a distance physically and emotionally which often leads to feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Once you begin to move forward and practice the skill of saying no, learn to trust the right people, expect others to treat you with respect while respecting yourself and saying what you feel and need without feeling guilty, you will start to feel free, happy, whole and healthy while leaving the negativity and chaos of poor boundaries behind you
