Coping with the holidays

by Lisa Catania, LCSW

 

As we all prepare for what the holiday season means for us, it is important to remember that one size doesn’t fit all.  We are barraged by constant ads showing excitement, festivities, and gift-giving.  Whether we realize it or not, advertising is trying to ramp us up to feel something that will motivate us to try to create the advertiser’s pictures in our own lives.

 For some, this is motivating and inspirational.  For others, they are warmed by happy memories and look forward to the current holidays as a chance to feel that same “warm blanket of happy traditions”.  For others, there is a sadness and disconnect as their life doesn’t look like the images portrayed.  Recent or past losses can come to the surface, and cause real pain.   And still for others, the expectations stack high and stress mounts as the holiday season becomes about “more” and endless lists and the need to be everything to everyone.

The holidays are a time of increased stress, no matter if they are filled with happy anticipation or with concern.  At particular risk for stress are individuals who are: coping with the loss of a loved one, experiencing family problems that create divisions/separation, far away from home, and caregivers.  If you find yourself in one of these groups, take extra care to be kind, patient and caring with yourself.  Engage in stress reducing exercises such as physical exercise, talking to someone, and/or meditative activities such as mediation, yoga, or prayer.  Find sources or affirmation and support, starting with loving self-statements for yourself.

Here is a holiday “coping guide” for all of us, with the hope that you can honor “wherever you are” and make this holiday season meaningful to you:

Use your feelings as a barometer to measure pressure inside and around you.  Acknowledge how you feel, and make adjustments.

Love yourself as much as you love others.

Talk to someone who is trust-worthy.  Be real, especially if you are hurting.

Release the belief that there is such a thing as “perfect”.

Look for things to “feel right” and authentic for you.  Look for things to be “good enough”.

Remember the importance of what this season means to you.  Honor that in your actions.

Love and connection are some of the most powerful gifts we are capable of giving.

Balance taking care of yourself with taking care of others.

Realize you are enough.

Know your boundaries and limits.  Practice saying no.  Practice saying yes. 

Ask for help when you need it.

Remember to breathe.  Breathe deeply into your core and say to yourself, “Relax”.  Breathe out slowly and say to yourself, “Let Go”.

Hold onto whatever feeds your soul.

Practice gratitude.

Practice faith.

Practice tolerance and acceptance of those who feel and think differently than you.

Enjoy moments. 

And laugh as often as you can.

Make this list your own, adding on whatever inspires or grounds you!

 Last, but not least, remember to reach out to someone who seems vulnerable this holiday season.  It’s the best medicine for the soul.  As the Dalai Lama says, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” 

Wishing you peace,  Lisa

You are worthy of love and belonging. As is.

Deepok Chopra says that every feeling has a physical molecular presentation in our body, throughout our body.  Feelings of depression, anger, anxiety can mount into illness that effect the body, mind and spirit.

Conversely, feelings such as tranquility create the equivalent of valium, and exhileration creates the equivalent of powerful anti-cancer molecules in abundance. 

We have the powerful ability to effect our health through our feelings.  Try the above quote as an affirmation.  Allow yourself to feel the feelings of love, acceptance, well-being.  Imagine a beautiful white light radiating around you, and inside you.  Practice this as often as possible.

Below are some links to Brene Brown's inspirational TED talks on understanding and healing shame.  Spoiler alert - vulnerability and acceptance of yourself are key to the experience!

I think everyone should see these:

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

Brene Brown: Listening to Shame

Peace,  Lisa Catania, LCSW

About insurance companies benefits

Someone recently emailed and asked about how to understand insurance benefits, and what to expect to pay.  This is a very common question, so I thought I'd post my response:

Each insurance policy is different.  Usually you will get better benefits if you see someone in-network, however some out-of-network benefits are quite good especially if you have met your deductible.  Some insurance companies manage mental health benefits, and may require your therapist to provide clinical information after they have seen you. You can call your insurance company and ask them to tell you about your outpatient mental health benefits. 

 

Your insurance company should provide this information for both your in-network and out-of-network benefits:

deductible (and what amount has been met, year to date),

 

copayment or coinsurance amount per session,

 

limit in number of sessions per year (if you work for a company that has more than 50 employees you should have unlimited sessions per the Mental Health Parity Act), and

 

whether they cover the modality (individual, family, couple {frequently not covered}, or group) of therapy you are seeking.

 

Once you have this information, you can talk with a therapist and they should be able to help you anticipate what your session fee would be.

 

Hope this helps - feel free to ask other questions in the comments section, or call me if you have more questions.

 

Peace, Lisa Catania, LCSW
773-719-1751

Parenting From A Distance

John Andrich, LCSW

 

The word adolescence literally means “to grow up”. The end of adolescence in the early to mid-twenties is typically defined by what society associates with adult behavior and psychological maturity. One of the chief tasks of late adolescence is to develop a sense of autonomy from parents. By this time parents have been de-idealized and their role has changed, often being viewed more as advisers, guides, or friends. These changes in children demand understanding and accommodation on the part of parents.

 

However, the end of adolescence is not the end of parenting; once a parent always a parent. It is a transition into a new and challenging stage that asks: What comes next? How does parenting change?

 

One of the first adjustments parents must make is symbolically saying goodbye to one’s previous role. Educator and psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams holds that we need to accomplish a piece of mourning if we are to avoid regression and psychological rigidity. The loss of traditional influence and involvement can be difficult for some parents, especially those that are more domineering, as they experience a reversal of roles. The task for parents is to now fit more into their children’s lives, to learn what their children think is important, and to respect their plans for what needs to happen in their lives.

 

Another challenge facing parents is adjusting to their children’s competing needs to build their own lives, which takes precedence over involvement in the lives of their parents. This raises the question of obligation: do our children owe us obedience and respect despite their needs to build their own lives? Psychiatrist and physician Gordon Livingston contends that relationships based on obligation are seldom satisfactory, and that love and respect are gifts that are freely given. It’s important for parents to remember that being”demoted” does not mean being loved less.   

 

By the time you are an experienced parent you have worked yourself out of a job. But remember, good parents raise their children to leave them, and effective parenting accomplishes that in a healthy, functional manner.  

How To Talk With Children About Violence

John Andrich, LCSW

 

We live in a time in which random acts of violence have become a pervasive aspect of American society, begging the question: “How do we speak to our children about violence?” How can we reassure our children, perhaps help them make sense out of senseless acts of violence, when we as adults struggle to understand how these things can happen? How can we help them feel less anxious and safe in their own surroundings? In our role as parents it’s natural to feel the need to protect our children from the ills of society, but talking to our children about violence is a vital responsibility as parents. 

 

Following are some guidelines: Be proactive and direct. While are children are receiving information and processing it, they may not be able to make sense of it and may hesitate to ask their parents to talk about it. Speaking with our children directly about the issue can serve to relieve anxiety and distress as children receive their sense of safety from the adults in their lives, particularly their parents.

 

Give your child the space to express their feelings and reactions. What they have to say is important, so allow them to express their concerns in their own words and to guide the direction of the conversation. Parents can then clarify and reflect back their child’s comments, summarizing and making sure they understand their concerns. Parents should also be aware of nonverbal cues like facial expressions, tone of voice, or fidgeting. Take your child’s concerns seriously and make this conversation about hearing their thoughts and feelings.

 

Express your thoughts and feeling about violence with your child. How we act and talk as parents can have a direct emotional impact on our children, and it’s important to communicate to them how we feel about violence. Of course this means that we need to know where we stand on the issue. It’s important to be aware of our own feelings on the issue, and avoid influencing your child with your own anxiety. Remember, how you say something may carry as much weight as what you say. Be clear, simple, and direct in what you say, remembering to adapt what you say according to the age of your child.   

 

Speaking proactively with your child about violence can help relieve their worries and fears and help them to feel empowered. As parents, it’s an opportunity to share our values, guide their sense of right and wrong, and enhance our relationship with our child.

Let's bring down the walls that divide

By Kristine Olivas, LMFT

I lived in Germany for the first 10 years of my life and recall the German neighborhood next to our small military community divided by only a 4' chain link fence.  This served as the only separation between our vastly different cultures.  I loved walking over to the German playground and playing on their unique merry go round.  The children in that community would play with me & we shared that common language of "play" as children naturally do.

Then one day, I noticed that when the German kids came to our playground some American boys would get aggressive and chase off the German kids. Pretty soon, I was no longer welcome on the German playground. The boys continued with their mini wars until they had ceremoniously "marked" their territory as off limits.

As I look back on this, I realize how easy it is to construct walls that divide us.  Once that wall is up, it is almost a natural reaction to see each other's differences as wrong and to want to make them wrong.  It’s as if differences are wrong and anyone who is different is then wrong.  It is a natural and automatic practice to assess things and determine if it is “right or wrong”.

How often do you think we all judge someone in a day?  Fat/skinny, pretty/ugly, smart/stupid it goes on and on.  Most of us don't realize how fast we make an assessment of a new person.  How many times have we said, "She’s stuck up" only to find out later she's painfully shy. Or to think someone is an idiot and then once we get to know the person, find out they had a terrible day the day we met them.  Giving people chances to show all of who they are is very hard to do.  But the truth is that human beings are actually very complex and we all have different parts of us that come out depending on circumstances.

We all are struggling on this planet to find our way and whether you believe it or not, we all need each other.  If you took a chance today and brought your wall down, how might your life be positively influenced?  I often wonder about that playground in Kassel, Germany.  What wonderful influence we all could have shared with each other, perhaps lifelong friendships or just a truer understanding of each other's cultures.

So maybe today you can release a judgment of someone, take down your wall and see who that person actually is. And maybe someone will release their judgment of you and allow you to be imperfect and human, perhaps show you some compassion as you also make your way on this human journey.  Just a thought.  What do you think?

Creating Healthy Self-Esteem

By Jinnie English, LCSW

How others treat us is greatly influenced by the way we see ourselves. We all know people who genuinely like themselves and feel content with their lives. Because they see the positive in themselves, they are able to understand and appreciate the good in other people. They treat others with a sense of respect – a skill they know well because this is how they treat themselves. When our feelings about ourselves are positive, we show others that we like and value ourselves – and then others tend to treat us well. But when we have negative feelings about ourselves, so that we are too critical, complaining and pessimistic, others tend to take this attitude toward us as well. How we treat ourselves helps determine how others will treat us.

The thoughts we have about ourselves, or how we define ourselves, contribute to our self-image. The feelings we have about these thoughts, whether these feelings are good or bad, are the building blocks of our self-esteem. Our self-image, and gradually our self-esteem, can be molded by our parents, family, friends, physical or intellectual abilities, education, and jobs. Just as we have definitions for most things in the world, we also have definitions of ourselves. We come to define ourselves the way others define us. Thus, if others treat us with love and kindness, as if we are special and unique people, then we will eventually define ourselves in this way as well. On the other hand, if other people treat us as if we are a bother to have around and not worth much, then we will also come to see ourselves in this way.

Some people confuse healthy positive self-esteem with audacity or arrogance, a false sense of superiority over other people. True self-esteem, however, means that we do not have to assert ourselves at the expense of other people. Indeed, it is those with negative self-esteem who must resort to the tactic of exaggerating their own worth, usually by putting other people down. Those with positive self-esteem can acknowledge their own worth and also validate the positive qualities of others.

Techniques for Creating Positive Self-Esteem

• Work on Your Private Thoughts
How we feel about ourselves privately, whether these feelings are positive or negative, influences how we interpret our own actions, the decisions we make, the goals we set for ourselves, and how we relate to other people. Negative internal feelings usually lead to lower expectations and achievements, while positive definitions usually result in higher aspirations. Consider some of the following ways in which these private, internal thoughts can be modified.

• Examine your unrealistic expectations. Negative self-esteem is driven by thoughts couched in “shoulds,” “oughts,” and “musts.” These words imply that we should be something other than what we are. A more positive approach is to replace these words with “wants.” Instead of saying self-punitively, “I should be a better friend,” it may be helpful to change the thought to: “I want to be a better friend.”

• Accept the fact that history cannot be changed. We often punish ourselves endlessly for certain regrettable actions we have taken in the past – and this feeds our negative self-esteem. But we all make mistakes, and we can learn from them. In fact, the positive spin on this is that we, as fallible humans, must make mistakes in life – and perhaps we should be thankful that we have made them, for how else would we acquire wisdom and learn the route to a happier life? History cannot be undone, but we can focus on the present and future, drawing on our power to create the life we choose for ourselves.

• Reflect on the good experiences in your life. Instead of dwelling our on flaws, it is more helpful to think about what is good in our lives. Think about your successes rather than your failures. We all have life experiences that make us feel good. Define yourself in terms of these positive experiences. Nearly every negative thought can be turned into a positive. For example, if you are in a financial crisis, it’s not the end of the world – because now you can get in touch with simpler pleasures and more meaningful experiences. If a friend has rejected you, you are now free to spend your time with other friends who will treat you well.

• Set positive goals for the future. Examine your personal needs, desires, assets and abilities – and think of how you can use them to achieve the life you want for yourself. Commit yourself to having the best life you can have – without feeling that you have to achieve perfection. Make your goals realistic and achievable, and work toward them, step by step, enjoying the successes and overcoming the occasional stumbles. Draw on the positive within yourself – with an awareness of how the old negative tendencies may show themselves. Setting positive goals draws on, and reinforces, your positive self-esteem and reminds you of the power you have to set your own course.